


Dependency

by saans



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Anal Sex, Cuddling, Dubious Consent, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Fondling, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Neediness, Rough Sex, Self-Harm (in a way???), Selfcest, Sexual Tension, Slow Dancing, Touch-Starved, Trauma, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, mentions of Steven/Connie, relationship exploration, takes place during su:f so steven is 16, this fic has a happy ending i swear
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:41:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 26,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24000769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saans/pseuds/saans
Summary: The first time Steven pulled out his gem was unintentional. A spur of the moment decision. At least, that's what he told himself.He starts to run out of excuses every time after that.
Relationships: Pink Steven Universe/Steven Universe
Comments: 138
Kudos: 488





	1. discovery.

**Author's Note:**

> this was an idea i've had bouncing around in my head since the su:f finale. i initially posted it as a thread on twitter, but i liked it enough that i cleaned it up and decided to post it here.
> 
> i hope you enjoy. <3

The first time Steven pulled out his gem was on impulse.

It was a bad night to be alone with his thoughts. As he lay tangled in his sheets, fists curled into his hair and tearing at his scalp, he decided to be honest about how much he _hated_ his gem side.

He thought about the pain he could've avoided if it weren't for his mom's mistakes. If it weren't for the Diamonds' or the Gems' mistakes and how everything little problem built up to hurt him in the present day. He thought about how he wouldn’t be the way he was now if he grew up to have a regular childhood, as a regular kid with a regular life. He missed out on every bit of normality he could’ve had, and it was all because he was a gem.

And in that moment, he was overcome with rage.

He blamed them all. But he blamed his mom most of all. She chose to bring him into existence and ended up making him like _this_. She left him to deal with all her past problems and mistakes that he shouldn’t have had to deal with to begin with. And now he’s suffered because of it.

It's like he inherited everything that was hers. Problems that didn’t seem solvable. The ability to hurt people more than help them. And an identity crisis to boot.

He didn’t know what conclusion he came to that made the idea of pulling out his gem a good one. Somehow his shirt was already hitched up to his chest and the tips of his fingers were already around the edges of his gem--

But then memories of laying helpless in White Diamond's grasp while she pried his gem clean from his body forced him to freeze up. For a brief moment, he was utterly paralyzed with fear.

But then anger overcame him, more intensely than before. A diamond did this to him. Something that hurt him and so many other lives across the galaxy. Something that _she_ was. Something that HE is. Something that he can't change about himself. Something that's always going to be a part of him. He absolutely _hated_ the thought.

And he wanted nothing to do with it. He wanted that part of him gone. He wanted it _out_.

He tightened his grip on the edges of his gem, swallowing the fear and nausea back down his throat, ignoring painful memories that began to resurface. He braced himself one last time, and then he pulled.

The last thing he recalled was a bright, intense pain flashing through him before he blacked out.

When he awoke, everything felt wrong.

He felt weak. Light headed. Disoriented. Every intake of breath was a struggle, and sitting up was out of the question. The only thing that registered in his fog filled brain was the pain pulsing at his stomach.

Although his vision was blurred, he could make out a bright pink smudge in the corner of his eye. He tilted his head towards the source and found a blank and expressionless face staring back at him.

His _own_ face.

Steven flinched and gave a startled yelp.

It was his gem self. The same one that appeared during his confrontation with White. It looked strikingly familiar yet also... frighteningly foreign. Although identical to him in nearly every way, everything else about it screamed otherwise-- down to its glowing pink aura and diamond shaped pupils and eerily emotionless face.

It was him, but not as a human. It was him, but as a gem through and through. Steven felt himself growing sick.

Not a word was said between them as they made eye contact, and the whole time Steven could feel nausea bubbling up his throat. He forced himself to swallow it down.

"Uh--" Steven made an effort to get into a seated position, but his arm collapsed under the weight of his body and he slammed back into the mattress again with a soft 'oof'.

But then something surprised him. His gem self's poker face crumbled and the corners of its tightened lips shifted downwards into a frown. It looked as if it were… concerned?

Steven attempted to get another word in, but all that came out was an airy puff. The edges of his vision swam as he tried to intake a deep breath, but his lungs and chest simply had no more energy to function. Every ounce of his strength felt as if it had been drained and was diminishing further by the minute.

It was then that he realized that he was slowly dying without his gem.

The sensation of dying was one he was unfortunately all too familiar with, but it didn’t stop him from spiraling into a panic. He could feel fear flare up in his chest, adrenaline rush through his muscles, clearing away the fog in his brain and burning away the pain at the pit of his stomach and his chest began to pump as his breathing had grown fast, laboured, frantic--

But then a wide, soothing hand enveloped his.

Steven glanced up at the face just inches away from his. Diamond shaped pupils pierced through him and its concerned expression had returned to its empty, deadpan state. He blinked in surprise, then stared down at his chest.

One of his hands clutched his pajama shirt over the space above his heart. The hand that laid on top of his-- the one that was glowing and pink-- gave him a firm squeeze, steadying his shaking hands. From where their hands connected, Steven could feel his lost strength seeping its way down his arm and back into his muscles.

He was suddenly hyperaware of their every point of contact, down to their fingertips and palms, down to every inch of skin. It steadied him. Invigorated him. Made him feel _alive_ again. Feeling so vulnerable and yet so… safe was a strange and new sensation.

It was an odd. But he didn’t want it to end.

He clasped the other’s hand with both of his and whispered a hushed "please" into the dim pink glow of the room.

The room quieted. He tilted his head away to the side and clenched his eyes shut as silence deafened his ears. He wasn’t sure if it heard him. He didn’t know what it might do in response to his plea.

But then a bright glow pierced through his eyelids. Steven opened his eyes and saw a vivid pink light envelop them both. He could feel his strength, his gem, his whole _being_ returning. Like a misaligned gear shifting back into position. Or a key clicking into a keyhole. Something returning and reconnecting into its place.

The light died down to a faint glow until it diminished into nothing. Steven sucked in a much needed breath and jolted up, sweating, and bringing his knees up to his chest. The only sound that could be heard was the sound of his own gasping.

Once again, he was whole.

Once again, he was alone.

\-----

Steven wasn’t sure why he pulled his gem out a second time.

It had been a few days after his first attempt. He made sure to wait until the middle of the night when the gems would be in the Temple. He didn’t need them getting even _more_ suspicious or worried of him than they already were.

He hoisted himself up into a seated position and breathed in a deep inhale, giving himself a moment to brace himself for the pain to come. Then he pulled at the edges of his gem and it slid out from his body.

This time he didn’t black out from the pain. But it was blinding and overwhelming enough that he nearly did; the nausea hitting the back of his throat like a freight train.

His gem raised up into the air and the same bright pink glow from last time filled the room. A large figure erupted from the diamond, shifting between two different shapes before finally settling on one: the shape of himself.

The figure lowered onto the ground beside his bed. And as the glow puttered out, a familiar hand gripped his wrist, assuring, ebbing away his pain as their skin connected. He glanced up briefly and found the same, blank expression and diamond pupils boring into him. Steven found himself feeling uncomfortable under its gaze, and he glanced away.

Silence spread between the two. Despite not feeling as drained as the last time, Steven couldn’t seem to make his voice work. Couldn’t work his brain fast enough to find the right words.

The quiet stretched on until one of them broke it.

"Why?"

It was strange hearing his own voice, but not hearing it come from _himself_ , Steven realized. He also realized that it was the first time his other self… his gem self had spoken. Steven looked up at it once again.

“W-why... what?” he stuttered.

“Why are you doing this?” it asked. It didn’t specify what “this” was, but it didn’t need to. Steven had a feeling he knew what it meant.

"I-- uh..." he trailed off.

Last time he pulled out his gem out of compulsion and … irrational anger. There was no reason for doing it, other than he simply wanted to in the moment. But this time…

Why _did_ he do it this time? He had no gain for doing it, and it was incredibly painful and dangerous. This time… it felt like it was something he had to do. Or rather… it was something he _wanted_ to do.

But he didn’t know _why_ he would want something like this. So he answered truthfully.

"I..." he mumbled, then glanced away from the other’s intense gaze once again. “I don’t know,” he admitted.

Silence found its way back to them. The other’s stare remained unyielding, and every second under its intense gaze made Steven want to squirm.

If he had to think deep, then maybe, just maybe it was because... he needed something. The trauma of having his gem forcibly removed and the idea of seeing his own face as a gem should’ve deterred him-- repulsed him, even. But these days he’s felt so desperate for someone’s attention and gratification, that he just needed _someone_. Anyone.

And lately it’s felt as if everyone was leaving him, but having something-- or some _one_ who wouldn’t abandon him and be with him whenever he needed them felt... good. Comforting in a way he couldn’t describe.

But thinking about admitting that out loud made him slightly sick. Steven decided to remain quiet.

Finally, his gem self shook his head. "This is hurting you," he said. His poker face has broken once again and had shifted into a small frown-- one of either disappointment or worry, Steven couldn’t tell.

But then he began to feel something subtle. Something trying to reconnect with him, to merge, to fuse them back together into one.

But Steven didn’t want that. And so he panicked.

"NO!" Steven shouted. The echo of his outburst reverberated around in his skull and he reeled back, the feeling of lightheadedness making his vision spin. Across from him, his gem self had stilled entirely.

"I-I mean," he huffed, trying to shake off his breathlessness. He took a moment to simply sit there and catch his breath before speaking, his chest rising with each shaky inhale. "Just... not yet, okay? I don't feel as weak if... if we're touching, I just..." he gulped, shuddering when the grip on his wrist tightened.

"I just… want to spend a little more like this… together," he admitted. It’s the closest he’ll ever get to admitting the truth.

Steven chanced a glance up and watched as his gem self's mouth tightened into a taut line, his brows furrowed. He didn’t seem convinced, instead looking more uncertain and worried than anything else.

But he needed this. Maybe it was dangerous and maybe he _was_ hurting himself, but it didn’t matter. He needed-- he just _couldn’t_ be alone. Not right now.

So he tried one more time.

"Please..." Steven pleaded once more, his voice cracking. Wavering. Faltering.

But then after a moment of prolonged silence, he got what he wanted.

The grip on his wrist slackened and the side of his bed dipped as his gem self settled beside him. They settled against the headboard as Steven felt an arm drape over his shoulders, pressing them together. Steven automatically relaxed under the touch. The contact was steady and strong, yet soothing-- _calming_ , even. Any pain he felt had subsided to a dull ache, and before long, he drifted off to sleep.

The next morning Steven awoke to an empty bed. He lifted up his shirt to find his gem back embedded in his stomach.

And once again, he was alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alt chapter name: steven and pink steven make eye contact and hold hands for like 20 minutes
> 
> if you've made it here, then thank you for spending the time to read this. <3


	2. exploration.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy smokes, thank you to everyone who showed their support for the first chapter. it garnered way more attention than i could ever expected and i just really appreciate all of the love!
> 
> with that said, i hope you all enjoy this next chapter. <3

That day, the gems watched him closely for any more pink swelling or emotional outbursts. But nothing of the sort happened.

Putting everything that had happened recently into consideration, from Connie’s rejection, his outburst in the hospital, to crashing his dad’s van-- Steven had been surprisingly quiet. Over the past few days he stayed at home and barely spoke to anybody. Not the gems (who came up to his room to check on him now and again), not his dad (who he _should_ maybe apologize to), and not even Connie (who he couldn’t bear to see right now anyway).

He wanted them to leave him alone for what he was about to do that night, anyway. It would be better if nobody knew, or else they might try to stop him. But each time he had turned out perfectly okay, and it wasn’t like he couldn’t manage the pain. Things would be just fine.

He just needed somebody right now. And after one or two more times… he promised himself he would stop. Nobody had to know. And there would be no harm done.

\-----

The third time he pulled out his gem played out similarly to the night before.

The pain was just as intense as he remembered it. But he gritted his teeth and weathered through it, the pulsing pain and nausea already feeling familiar to him. At least he was getting better at staying conscious.

He watched through squinted eyes as the light around his gem shifted through different forms-- once, twice-- then lowered onto the floor. And before him, once again, was his pink counterpart staring down at him.

“You’re still doing this,” he stated, expressionless. Always expressionless. Always staring at him with those blank eyes. Steven shuffled uncomfortably under his gaze.

“Uh… yeah,” Steven admitted quietly. “I wanted to… I was… just...” he started, then faltered.

He thought he finally knew what to say and what to do. But a wave of dizziness had suddenly washed over him. Darkness began to eat at the edges of his vision and his chest felt a thousand times heavier.

It was familiar. He thought he was getting used to not having his gem to give him energy, but he was losing his strength much faster than he expected-- just like the first night. He was dying. Again.

He mustered as much energy as he could to extend his arm out to the figure in front of him. “I need…” he croaked out, and just as his arm was about to collapse in front of him, a hand grasped his own.

Strength ebbed and weaved its way through his limb. The darkness in his vision retreated just as quickly as it came, and all of a sudden breathing became a lot more manageable. Steven inhaled deeply then sighed a huff of relief. He stared at their connected hands, giving them a tight squeeze.

“That--” Steven panted. Now that the fog was gone from his brain, every thought and emotion came spilling out all at once. “I need _that_ \-- just-- I was thinking, maybe you could-- I don’t know, stay with me for a while, like last night. Please, can we just-- I _need_ \--” he stumbled.

But while he spoke, his gem self was already shaking his head. “We can’t do this. It’s too dangerous,” he cautioned. “We need to fuse back.”

Those words made Steven’s heart drop into the pit of his stomach. “No, please!” he cried. He couldn’t bear for him to leave him like everyone else. He couldn’t screw this up like with _everything_ else. And he couldn’t afford to lose his chance before he could explain. Steven had to try and change his mind.

“Things have been so hard lately,” he began. “Everyone’s been moving on and going off to do all these great things, but-- not me! I’ve been lost more than ever, and it feels like I have nowhere to go. I have no one who can be there for me when I need them, and I just-- I _need_ someone to _be_ here--” his throat tightened, causing his voice to crack while he spoke. He swallowed once, then twice, in an attempt to regain his composure.

“Just… I need someone who can actually help, someone who _understands_. You understand… r-right?” he managed to choke out. Steven _hoped_ he understood. They may be separated now, but his gem self was still a part of _him_.

The figure across from him stared down at their entwined hands in silence. Thinking or maybe reconsidering, Steven hoped. “...You’re hurting yourself,” he said at last, uncertain. Quiet. Much more quiet than Steven had ever heard him.

“I’ll be fine,” Steven tried to reassure him. “It’s just-- what I need right now is... when we touch I feel so much better, and the pain doesn’t feel as bad,” he said as he squeezed their hands together. “I just need this for a little while. And after a few more nights… I’ll stop. And you’ll be here if anything goes wrong. So everything will be fine,” he finished with a meek smile

They fell silent after that. Steven watched as his gem self’s lips parted slightly, soundless. His eyes lingered on his lips, then drifted along his jawline, up his cheekbones, to his nose and brows, taking in the features that looked all so _familiar_. Then he drifted down to his eyes, and almost simultaneously, they caught each other’s gaze.

Steven glanced away as quickly as he could.

He still didn’t quite understand. He shouldn’t even be thinking of doing something like this. He should still be mad at everyone. He should still be mad at the gems or the diamond-- or mad at himself for _being_ a gem AND a diamond. Yet there he was, asking for physical affection from exactly that-- the gem projection of himself.

Even then, Steven didn’t know what he would do if he were denied. The silence had begun to grow unbearable, and he needed to know. He needed an answer. He needed that answer to be a “yes”.

Seconds stretched on to what felt like minutes. Hours. Neither of them moved. Neither of them spoke; the only sound that could be heard was Steven’s own soft breathing.

Until...

“... Okay,” his gem self spoke. Steven whipped his head towards him, ignoring the dizziness from his sudden movement.

“You’ll... stay?” he asked, and the other nodded in response. Steven exhaled, relief sinking into his bones and the tension in his shoulders dissipating.

They dropped hands briefly as his gem self made a move to climb on top of the bed, but Steven held out a hand to stop him.

“Um, wait, hold on,” he mumbled. He pulled back his duvet and shuffled to the side, making room from a second person. Opening up an invitation. “You can get under the covers, if you want. If that’s… more comfortable,” Steven chuckled nervously.

Another nod and his gem self slid into the bed next to him. Steven sucked in a breath as anxiety began to spike in his chest.

This was what he wanted, wasn’t it? He _wanted_ this type of physical closeness and he _asked_ him to stay-- so why was he suddenly nervous? Just moments ago, he was so adamant in what he wanted… but in truth, he had never been this close to anyone like this before. He didn’t know what he was doing.

Was this the right choice? Or was he just making a fool of himself and just putting himself in danger?

But then his counterpart snaked an arm over Steven’s shoulder and pressed him against his body. The warmth seeped against Steven’s back, briefly easing his worries.

He didn’t know what he was doing-- but maybe that was okay. His problems could wait for another day. He had someone there for him now. Someone who could help. And he-- _they_ would work it out. But for now, he had this.

Steven closed his eyes and let out a sigh.

Things would be fine.

\-----

Their next few nights together followed in a similar manner. Steven made sure he was alone, then he would bring out his gem and the two would lie together-- in contact with one another, always-- until Steven inevitably fell asleep.

More often than not, the two of them would simply lay together in silence instead of talking. Conversation was strange when the other person was quite literally his other half. Or… himself? He didn’t quite understand how it worked.

Steven tried his best anyway. He generally talked about things that were on his mind at the time, from things that were bothering him to random thoughts. He felt like he should at least do _something_ to try and make their situation feel… less weird than it actually was.

Or at least more welcoming to his gem self. He _had_ tried to include his gem self in conversations, but his other half often seemed to be too distant or even… distracted, to focus on conversation anyway.

Just as Steven came to the end of that line of thought, he realized something critical.

“Wait…” Steven said, pushing himself into a seated position. His gem self was forced to stop fiddling with the outline of the star shape on Steven’s shirt, out of reach now that Steven had sat up. He stared up at him as he spoke. “We haven’t given you a name.”

When Steven only got a puzzled look in return, he carried on. “I mean, it’s been… five days now? And I still don’t know what to call you in my head,” he scratched his head with his free hand, while his other held on to his gem self’s hand to sustain energy. “Got any ideas?”

His gem stared up at him with a puzzled expression and furrowed brows. “... Steven?” he asked. Steven blinked in realization when he registered that this was his gem self’s _answer_ and not him questioning him.

“Oh, well-- I mean, yeah, that’s...” he sputtered nervously. Steven supposed that if they were _technically_ the same person, then they might have the same name too.

He tried a different approach instead. “Well… how about a nickname then? Something to set us apart just in case two Stevens gets confusing,” he suggested. Steven knew that there wouldn’t be any confusion when it was just between the two of them. And it wasn’t like anyone else was going to know about it. That wasn’t the point, however.

Steven _did_ enjoy talking and wanted to try engaging his counterpart in conversation. But the main reason was because Steven wanted to do something for him. He wanted to give him a sense of _belonging_ while they spent time together. He didn’t want to make it feel like his sole purpose for being around was to just keep Steven company; He wanted to give him something meaningful.

And plus, he had done so much for Steven already. He felt like it was time to give back.

Or maybe Steven was thinking too deeply into it and his gem self didn’t care about that sort of thing at all. But just in case he _did_ , he wanted to help.

“How about… Steve! Or uh… Stefan! … Hmm, no, that’s still too similar,” he shook his head and paused for a moment. Then he straightened his back, his eyes wide. “Ooh, I got it! Esteban!”

The only response he received in return was a deadpan stare.

Steven sighed and settled back into the mattress “... Okay, maybe not.”

They remained quiet once again. Steven shivered as his counterpart resumed tracing the star on Steven’s shirt, making him shiver. He shut his eyes, trying to concentrate on another idea for a name and _not_ on the minute shudders that shot up his spine.

After a few moments, he had one. But he wasn’t sure if either of them was going to like it.

“I mean I guess... the most logical choice would be “Pink”, but… I don’t know. That name… and calling you that feels… you know,” Steven muttered. At the word “pink”, the body next to him stiffened and the hand that was tracing his star froze entirely.

They both knew the weight that name carried and the connotation behind it. They both knew, and neither of them liked it.

The air around them felt fragile, like ice breaking under the weight of a stone. For a moment, nothing moved save for the rise of Steven’s chest. But then slowly, the hand on his chest began to move again, and Steven let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

This was harder than he thought. He _wanted_ to do this, but maybe his gem self really _didn’t_ care about a name. And maybe Steven was annoying him more than helping.

Steven let out a long sigh. This was shaping out to be yet another simple task that he somehow ruined, once again. Like he always seemed to do these days. 

His gaze drifted downwards, absentmindedly watching the bright pink hand on his chest trace along each edge of his star, reaching a corner, then making a sharp turn down another edge, going around until it reached back to its starting point. Then the process repeated.

Steven could’ve fallen asleep like that. The feather-light touches combined with the warmth of another person lulled his eyes closed; the image of his gem self rhythmically drawing patterns on his chest still in his mind.

And that’s when the thought clicked in his brain. Steven’s eyes snapped open.

“... What about ‘Star’?” he asked.

The finger on his chest paused half way between one corner of the star and the next. His counterpart looked up at him. “What?” he questioned.

“For your name. Star,” Steven said, propping himself up on his arm. “It also starts with an ‘st’, but... it’s something new! Plus you glow kinda bright like one too,” he chuckled.

“... Huh. Star… Star...” he murmured, trying out the word in his mouth. He looked down at the hand over Steven’s chest, thoughtful for a moment. Then he placed his hand down flat on Steven’s chest, right in the center of the star. “It’s… nice,” he said at last.

And then he smiled.

It was the first time Steven had seen him smile in two years. Since their confrontation with White. Since the first time they were separated. The corners of his mouth turned up gently, soft and small, but a pleasant all the same.

He couldn’t help but grin alongside him. “Star, then,” Steven nodded, and Star’s smile grew just a fraction wider.

His chest grew warm at the sight. Maybe he could still do something right after all.

\-----

There was one thing Steven didn’t expect: how surprisingly warm Star was. It wasn’t the type of warmth that felt overbearing or uncomfortable, like a hot summer day. It was more of a pleasant, soothing feeling that wrapped around him, reassuring him that things would be okay.

Gem physiology wasn’t something he paid close attention to often, not even while growing up with Pearl, Garnet, or Amethyst. It wasn’t until he started spending time closely with Star that he noticed just how warm gems’ hard light bodies were. Or maybe it was just Star’s in particular. Steven wouldn’t know if there was a difference-- he had never been this physically close with anyone before.

And physical contact, as it turned out, was a whole new ballpark.

Steven didn’t know how he didn’t die from embarrassment each time, but lately, he had gotten into the habit of asking for specific kinds of contact.

They nearly always held hands every night. Steven didn’t need to embarrass himself to ask for that one, which he was grateful for. But some nights he would ask to rest his head against Star’s chest. Other times he liked Star to hug him from behind with his arms wrapped around his torso. And so on.

He always got what he wanted, but he couldn’t help but feel somewhat... pathetic. Was he really this desperate for physical affection that he had to resort to ripping out the life source from his body just to ask the projection of himself to hug him at night?

A completely rhetorical question, of course. He didn’t need that one to be answered.

Tonight they laid face-to-face with one another, their hands intertwined somewhere underneath the sheets while Star rubbed his free hand up and down Steven’s back in long, slow motions.

He thought back to his childhood briefly: a hazy memory of his dad singing and rubbing his back, soothing him to sleep flashed through his mind. But unlike his dad’s, Star’s touches were lighter. Softer. Something in the reaches of Steven’s sleep riddled brain wanted to say “intimate”. He shut his eyes, enjoying the feather light touches that ran up and down his back; touches that occasionally glided along the curve of his spine or followed the edges of his shoulder blades.

There was also another thing Steven didn’t expect, and it was how easy he could fall asleep with Star around. They were only ten minutes into the night, and Steven was already on the verge of sleep. He could feel all his troubles, everything he worried about on a daily basis-- his dad, the gems, Connie… himself-- washing away for another day.

But just before he fell into a slumber, Steven wanted to ask a question that had been on his mind.

“Mm, Star?” he mumbled.

“Yes?”

Steven yawned deeply before answering. “What d’you do when I fall asleep?” he asked. He knew they re-fused at some point before he woke up, but he didn’t know what Star did before that. If he did anything at all.

Star paused his movements to think for a moment, then simply shrugged. “I lay here,” he replied, impassive.

“Is that it?”

“Well, kind of.”

“What else d'ya do then?”

“Uh…”

The falter in his voice caught Steven by surprise. He cracked open a tired eye up at Star, but Star’s expression remained blank and controlled-- as usual.

“... I watch you,” was his eventual reply.

Steven blinked up at him with both eyes open now. “You… watch me _sleep_?” he asked. He didn’t know if he should feel unnerved or embarrassed or… flattered. But even still Star’s expression remained deadpanned, and Steven suddenly wasn’t sure if the hesitancy from earlier was real or just his ears playing tricks on him.

Star took another pause before answering. “I make sure your life signs are stable while you fall asleep. Then I re-fuse with you,” he explained evenly.

“Oh... I see,” Steven murmured, closing his eyes again. “Star... y’can’t stay up _all_ the time… y’should try sleeping... some… sometime,” he babbled. Sleep was tugging at the edges of his mind, and he was too tired to focus on proper sentences.

“If I did that, I wouldn’t be able to fuse with you before you lost all your energy,” Star stated in a matter-of-factly tone of voice. As if he were discussing the weather and didn’t just bluntly remind Steven how much danger he would be in without him.

Star was too busy watching over him and keeping him alive to even _try_ sleeping, or do anything else. Steven hadn’t exactly considered that. “Oh…” he trailed off, feeling a pang of guilt hit him. “M’sorry, maybe I--”

“No,” Star interjected firmly. “I don’t mind,” he said, reassuring him with a rub between his shoulder blades.

Steven frowned slightly. “If… if you’re sure,” he said in between yawns. He felt like he should’ve said more, maybe apologize further or try to make it up to him somehow. But exhaustion trod on the edges of his vision and his consciousness was slowly fading.

The hand between his shoulder blades crept up his neck, smoothing against the skin until it reached his nape. Fingers carded through the curly waves of hair along the back of his head, and Steven let out a sigh of contentment.

He didn’t get to hear the soft “I am,” of Star’s reply before he drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alt chapter name: Steven just needs to be touched he's so lonely please help h
> 
> you have no idea how happy i am to finally have given Star his name. it was... a challenge to write him before he did, to say the least. LOL
> 
> i also made a twitter account to dump stevencest content. if you want to interact with me there or just wanna check it out, then feel free. @stevencests


	3. boundaries.

They initially agreed on “just a few nights”. Only two or three before Steven stopped what he was doing for good.

They agreed on “just a few nights” well over a week ago.

Steven knew this and had no intent in stopping.

Spending every night together became their routine. But somewhere along the way, it began to grow into more than just that.

Star was gradually beginning to open up. He engaged in conversations more-- even nonsensical ones, and not just topics relating to Steven’s immediate health-- and Steven was slowly learning some of Star’s ticks and quirks in the meantime. Like how he liked to squeeze their hands together. And that one of his favourite things to do was pet Steven’s hair. 

He seemed… happy. Or at the very least, he was enjoying his time. Steven felt happier too. He wasn’t at his _best_ , but he was better than he was a week ago. Sure, he still had his problems with Connie and his dad, but whenever he was with Star… he felt all right. And his problems could wait for another day.

All of this was supposed to end, but the fact that they had surpassed “just a few nights” already had never come up in conversation. Not since the night they agreed on it.

The curious thing was that Steven was sure Star _knew_ that. But he wasn’t going to push his luck by asking him about it, just in case.

He didn’t want it to end any time soon. And he hoped Star didn’t either.

\-----

They started out their night as they usually did. Star had reformed and the two sat on Steven’s bed, hands interlaced. Usually this would be when Steven asked what form of physical contact he wanted and they would go from there.

But tonight, Steven didn’t speak right away. Instead he averted his eyes to the side, already starting to feel nervous for what he was about to ask.

He didn’t know how to begin. “I… want to try something different tonight,” he started anxiously.

Star tilted his head in question. “Okay,” he replied, compliant. Always compliant.

“I…” Steven hesitated, then shook his head. No matter how he tried to phrase it in his head, nothing was going to sugarcoat his idea to make it sound any better. Star, who always seemed concerned about Steven’s well-being, wasn’t going to like it no matter _how_ he worded it. But if this was something they were going to keep doing, then... there was something Steven needed to know.

He glanced down at their entwined hands, in thought for a moment. “I want to see how long I can go without…” Steven inhaled, allowing himself a bit of a pause, “... without needing your energy,” he finished.

“... What?” 

The sudden pressure around Steven’s hand wasn’t immensely painful like the pain he felt while removing his gem. But it was enough to make him wince. He looked up and caught Star’s expression-- eyes wide and brows raised in disbelief.

“Just-- when you’re here, I don’t have my gem. So if we’re going to keep doing this, don’t you think we should learn that... just in case?” Steven reasoned.

“ _No_ , we don’t,” was Star’s terse and immediate response.

“But it’ll probably be safer--”

Star tensed. “ _Safer_?” 

“-- if we learn what that boundary is now, because if something happens and we need to know how long I can manage withou--”

“We don’t _need_ to know that,” Star interjected, his lips pursed into a tight line. “That’s never going to happen because I’ll _be_ here before that happens.”

Steven furrowed his brows in slight frustration. “Yes, you will be here! That’s _why_ I want to try,” he countered. “If you’re here, then nothing’s going to go wrong if we do this.”

“I know, but if-- if I’m not...” he trailed off, shaking his head.

Something Steven said seemed to throw Star off his cold demeanor, and his frown deepened even further. It was the most conflicted Steven had ever seen him.

“Star… you said it yourself-- you’re going to be here,” Steven gently reminded him.

Star didn’t reply immediately. Instead, he shook his head again, looking more and more distraught as the seconds ticked by. “It’s just… Steven, this is dangerous. You’ll get _hurt_ ,” he finally said.

“It’s okay. I trust you,” he placed another hand on top of Star’s, trying to reassure him. Steven could understand his concern. But Star’s always done what he could to help him, even on their very first night. Even back _then_ , in White’s chamber two years ago. Steven genuinely believed that there wouldn’t be any real danger if they went along with this plan-- not when Star was around. 

But maybe... that wasn’t good enough for Star. Star was _always_ there and always gave him what he needed, without fail. And while that was true, Steven was now forcing him to make an impossible choice: refuse what Steven wanted to protect him, or listen to him-- which meant putting him in danger and doing nothing about it.

The taste of guilt left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth. He didn’t want to make it feel like Star had no choice. Steven wanted what was best for them in the future, but yet there he was, hurting someone when he thought what he was helping.

Steven sighed inwardly. He was messing up _again_ , wasn’t he? But despite that, he still wanted to try it. However if Star ended up saying “no”... he wouldn’t argue.

But then Star hung his head in defeat, to Steven’s surprise. “... Okay,” he forced out.

Steven pursed his lips into a frown. “Only if you’re sure. If this isn’t something you want to do, then... we don’t have to.”

Star was quiet for a moment before he spoke. “... No. It isn’t. But...” he paused mid-sentence, closing his eyes. Then he looked up at Steven with a steady gaze, his diamond eyes piercing into him.

“... I trust you too,” he said, and the tight grip around Steven’s hand relaxed. 

The pace of Steven’s heart picked up in his chest. Times where Star expressed his own thoughts or feelings were rare. And even after the hard decisions Steven put him through, Star still trusted him enough to agree to the idea.

Steven didn’t feel like he deserved it. But he nodded nonetheless. “... Okay,” he breathed, “If you’re sure,” and settled himself against the bed’s backboard.

He tried to remain calm-- to fight off his slowly rising nervousness for what was to come. But no matter how much mental preparation he did, it didn’t seem to help quell the bubbling anxiety in his gut.

But he had already come this far, however. There wasn’t any turning back now. He turned to Star and nodded. “I’m ready,” he said, swallowing his fear.

He gave their hands one last squeeze, and Star, with a hesitant frown, reluctantly released his hand. 

The drop of energy was sudden and immediate-- like the feeling of missing a step and finding air where solid ground should’ve been. The only difference was that the “sinking” feeling was also accompanied by a huge wave of pain and fatigue.

“Are you okay?” he heard Star ask.

Steven nodded. “I’m fine,” he said evenly. He tried his best not to let the discomfort show on his face. He didn’t want Star even _more_ worried than he needed to be.

It would be fine, he told himself for the umpteenth time that night. 

… It was only five minutes in when Steven was already beginning to regret his idea.

He experienced the usual things he felt when he removed his gem. Pain. Weakness. Nausea. Shortened breath. The usual. As the minutes ticked by however, he could feel his symptoms slowly worsen. He tried his best to remain calm by slowly and evenly breathing in, taking as much air in as his lungs would allow, then slowly and evenly breathing out again.

Which was a lot easier said than done because after fifteen minutes in, his chest began to rattle and hitch, making every breath an uphill battle.

Things would be fine, he repeated to himself when deep breathing didn’t work for him anymore. Star was watching over him. He was safe. He wasn’t going to die. It would be fine. He would be fine.

Then after thirty minutes or so-- or what felt like it, Steven couldn’t tell-- Star spoke up.

“Steven...” he said, his voice strained.

Steven looked over at him for the first time since he started. And to his surprise, Star looked… different. More tensed up and frazzled. Maybe it was Steven’s vision beginning to fail him, but he could’ve sworn he was... pinker. Brighter. With unkempt hair and wide and wild eyes.

Was being away from Steven… _also_ affecting him? Was he putting him in danger too?

“Star--” Steven rasped, but paused to clear his throat. “A-are you okay? You’re not… hurting, are you?”

Star shook his head, seeming anxious. “No, but-- you…”

He crept a hand towards Steven’s, making a move to where his hand rested in his lap. Steven nearly took Star’s hand out of impulse. He missed the contact. He needed that reassuring touch, wanted to sink into the warmth and let it soothe away the pain…

… But he remembered himself last second and much to his reluctance, inched away. “I’m fine. It’s okay,” Steven spoke, cringing inwardly at his own grating voice. He flashed him a smile instead, hoping it would reassure him somewhat.

The frown on Star’s face only deepened as he begrudgingly retracted his hand. He clapped his own hands together and wrung them nervously together, all while maintaining wide-eyed, almost fearful eye contact with him.

While air was increasingly difficult to pass through his lungs, a twinge of guilt managed to work its way down and in his chest. Steven forced himself to look away. He couldn’t stand to look at Star’s hurt expression. Couldn’t bear to know that this hurt him too.

They would be fine. He would be fine.

But as time went by, the pain and nausea combined were starting to become overwhelming. And soon enough, it was unbearable.

At some point he no longer had the strength to sit up and had collapsed onto his side. His body shivered and trembled in a cold sweat. Everything was too much. There was the high pitched ringing in his ears. The pulsating, throbbing pain that travelled from his stomach and up to his head. The bright, incessant pink light radiating from Star that didn’t seem to go away, even when he closed his eyes. It was too much and he wanted it to stop, all of it just needed to _stop_.

Then, as quickly as it came, everything… began to disappear. The throbbing pain and the nausea and the pink light-- all of it began to diminish, slowly fading down a foggy cavern of nothing. He was unable to feel anything but nothing. Nothing except for cool numbness down his legs and his arms, his chest and lips. Nothing but fog clouding up his hearing and vision.

Maybe his body was getting used to not depending on his gem, he thought in his hazy stupor. If that were the case, then maybe Star wouldn’t be forced to look after him anymore.

Maybe Star… wouldn’t feel obligated to stay with him anymore. What would he do then? Would he leave and go somewhere else? Find someone else? Steven didn’t want that. He finally had someone to help. He finally had someone that understood. He had wanted that for so long— he didn’t want that to go away.

Maybe instead… Star could be with him for longer. Sure, they could still re-fuse, but they wouldn’t _have_ to by the end of the night. They could be together for days. For weeks. For however long they wanted.

Maybe Star could finally get to _sleep_ instead of worrying over Steven. And then maybe he could introduce him to the gems and dad and Connie and his friends in town and his friends in Little Homeschool. And then maybe they could go on adventures, just the two of them exploring the world together. And they would be happy together. They could be together forever.

Then out of the nothingness, something reached out and stirred him from his daydream. A hand, then two, that took hold of him by his shoulders. Its warm and soothing touch was pleasant amidst the numbing nothingness, and all Steven wanted was to sink into it.

Then there was something in front of him. He could barely make it out with his bleary eyes, but it was bright and pink and hard to look at. And it was saying something, but Steven couldn't hear any of it. All he could do was stare on and hope that his blank mind could comprehend something. Anything at all.

But then the figure became enveloped by an intense pink-white light, and then suddenly everything around him, even himself, was surrounded by the light. For a moment it was all he could see, and he could vaguely feel something going back into place-- something that was his, and then—

\-- the world came rushing back to him, like a tidal wave crashing against a rocky shore— sudden and blunt. His eyes snapped open and he jolted upwards, gasping, sputtering, choking on nothing; his lungs and his body so desperate for air.

The sudden clarity of _everything_ when he was so blissfully unaware just moments ago was inexplicably jarring. He could feel his heart working overtime in his chest. His muscles aching as he sat up. His blood pounding in his ears. His legs tangled in the sheets beneath him. The cooling sweat that clung to his body.

The sensations, his whole being, _everything_ laid bare before him, and he felt raw, so unbelievably _raw_.

But he was alive. In pain and fragile. But alive.

He didn’t know when he started crying. It started off with a single tear that rolled down his cheeks. Then a sniffle, and a hiccough. And then suddenly all of his emotions and feelings of guilt came crashing down on top of him.

“I’m sorry—“ he choked, wrapping his arms around himself. “I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I—“ he repeated until his voice cracked, and a torrent of sobs heaved through him.

In his high-strung and frantic daze, he was unsure who his apology was for. If it was meant for himself. Or if it was meant for someone else. All he knew was that he was sorry.

He repeated it like a mantra and it echoed throughout the empty room, over and over until his throat ran hoarse and he no longer had the energy to stay conscious.

\-----

Steven awoke that morning feeling like he had been slammed by a tonne of bricks.

He rolled on to his back and let out a loud, exhausted groan, which turned into a yelp when he rolled _too_ far and landed onto the ground instead. He groaned even louder, this time in pain and annoyance.

Every muscle in his body ached, making every movement a struggle. And that wasn’t even accounting for the roaring headache he had.

Somehow he had managed to stand himself (by using the wall for help) and hobble his way downstairs (also using the wall), taking one step at a time. Any more or any faster felt like it would’ve sent him off balance.

He looked around upon reaching the bottom with bleary eyes and found that none of the gems were home-- most likely they were off helping out at Little Homeschool. Steven let out a sigh of relief. He didn’t think he could deal with them anyway.

 _Or ever, not until the end of time_ , he thought, wincing at the throbbing pain in his head.

He didn’t remember walking over to the kitchen. Nor did he remember making himself breakfast or sitting himself at the kitchen counter. When he could finally focus enough, he found himself staring blankly into a bowl of oatmeal.

Then when it came time to eat it-- the smell, the taste, the texture… all of it was too much for him to process and only made his head spin faster, despite how much his stomach growled.

Steven pushed the bowl away and cradled his head in his palms. He felt _terrible_. Physically, but… also emotionally.

He tried to remember the events of last night, but his memory grew fuzzy near the end. There was their test to see how long Steven could go without his gem, Star’s worried face… mixed and muddled feelings of panic and urgency and… guilt. And then…

Steven almost died. For yet another time. But Star was there, as he always was. He’s always helped him even without Steven asking him to. He’s always saved him, in more ways than one.

And Steven took advantage of that and put them both through turmoil.

He felt sick to his stomach. Steven slid off his chair and made his way towards the bathroom, barely even cognizant of the warp pad activating or of Pearl appearing before him.

“Oh, Steven, there--”

Steven walked by her without even a hint of acknowledgement. She stopped mid sentence and gasped.

“... Steven, are you okay? You’re--”

“Not now, Pearl.”

He made it to the bathroom and shut the door behind him with way more force than necessary, causing the walls to rattle. From there he slumped against the sink and stared at his reflection in the mirror above.

His hair was a disaster. Tangled curls of hair stuck up in whichever way and patches of stubble began to grow on his chin after a few days of not shaving. Then there were his eyes-- bloodshot with dark circles handing below them, most likely from last night’s crying combined with exhaustion.

Steven groaned once again. All around, he looked like a right mess. He _felt_ like one too.

It wasn’t until he slapped his hands over his eyes that he realized what Pearl was about to tell him.

“Huh?” he pulled back his head and stared down at his hands in surprise.

_“... Steven, are you okay? You’re--”_

“... glowing pink,” he realized, stunned.

Normally he would’ve noticed when his powers went haywire relatively fast, if not right away. How could he not? They only brought more problems than good these days. They were something he had grown to hate. They were even something he… feared.

But this time he had no _idea_ that he might be glowing pink until it quite literally slapped him in the face. And the strangest part was: he didn’t feel worried about it at all. Like it was simply something normal. Like it wasn't something he should be scared of anymore.

Steven stepped back and leaned against the wall behind him. When did that change? And how long had he been glowing pink? Since he woke up? Or during breakfast? Had this happened before, where he was glowing and didn’t realize it? And if so, _when_?

He had no idea. Steven was less surprised that he was currently glowing pink, and more by the fact that he didn’t know he _was_. “Huh,” he whispered to himself.

For the first time in a long time, he didn’t feel estranged from his powers. It was odd. Not necessarily bad, but just… odd, like he didn’t know if he should feel relieved or even more worried.

That didn’t help him with his shame over what happened last night, however. As much as he regretted it and regretted hurting Star, it wouldn’t change what happened. Steven returned his attention back to his original task and lifted up the bottom of his shirt.

It would be the first time he summoned Star outside of his bedroom, and outside of their usual routine. But Steven didn’t want to wait that long. He wanted to apologize-- felt like he _should_ apologize-- before the guilt ate him alive.

He reached for his gem and curled his fingers around the edges. Steven could already feel the phantom pains in his stomach, and he grimaced. This one was going to _hurt_. He didn’t even _want_ to think about how it might feel layered on top of his current exhaustion and pain.

 _Guess I’ll find out,_ he thought. He gulped, inhaled, then slid his gem out in one quick motion and--

Steven bit down on his lip to hold back his scream. It felt like he had just been set on fire and then kicked in the chest. Everything-- his lungs, chest, limbs-- were alight with pain. Roaring, pulsing pain that made his head want to burst and his vision waver at the edges.

And then for a brief moment, everything went dark.

… But as he came to, he could feel something-- a head nestled into the crook of his neck, as well as tight, strong arms holding him up. The sensation was both familiar and safe. Steven instinctively buried his face into the pink bed of hair before him, breathing it in, feeling the reassuring touch melt his pain into a dull throb.

They remained that way for a while; holding each other in their arms, reveling in one another’s touch. Taking a moment to simply exist in their own world. Then Star pulled away and the two met each other’s gaze.

Usually Star had an exceptional poker face. It took Steven some time to learn how to see through it to get an idea of what Star was thinking or feeling.

But Steven didn’t have to this time. As he pulled back, Star’s trembling lip and glossy, wet eyes were laid bare for Steven to see, and his heart sank at the sight.

Star was upset. He was always looking after him; so having to sit by and see Steven in pain and on the verge of death must have been excruciating.

Guilt for his own actions surged through him. Steven was the one who hurt him. This was all on him.

“I’m sorry--” they both said simultaneously, then stopped mid-sentence.

“No, I--” they interrupted each other once more. Steven gave a small huff of amusement while Star simply nodded at him to go first.

“You… you were right,” Steven said quietly. He made a note to keep his voice down just in case Pearl was still outside. “It _was_ dangerous, I shouldn’t have... I'm...” he trailed off. He was already losing his thoughts to emotions that began to surface. “I-I’m sorry. I put you through that, and I hurt you, and--”

“ _You_ hurt _me_?”

Steven blinked as Star hung his head. “No, I… Steven, you almost _died_. I should have intervened sooner. Or prevented it from happening in the first place. I--” Star’s voice cracked-- something Steven had never heard in him before. “ … I _let_ you get hurt,” he murmured sadly.

Steven frowned. Star… thought it was _his_ fault? That wasn’t true at all, and he shook his head in disagreement. “It wasn’t your fault,” he reassured. “It was _my_ idea, and I did it even though you told me not to. But despite that, Star, you... you saved me,” Steven whispered.

He had saved him more times than he dared to count. And he was positive he would continue to save him in the future. Steven didn’t know if he could ever repay that, or if he even deserved it. 

Something in Steven’s words seemed to perk him up, and Star held up his head to look at him. “Of course…” he murmured, then nodded after a moment of silence. He looked resolute and the downcast look he once wore had faded.

“Of course,” Star said again-- this time with more assurance. He re-tightened his arms around Steven’s waist, pulling them into another hug. Steven exhaled. He closed his eyes and rested against Star, simply enjoying the moment they had together. The calm after the storm.

There was still guilt and self-blame on either side. Steven knew he wasn’t prepared to forgive himself any time soon. But at least they could talk about it. At least they had this.

“Steven,” Star said after sometime. “I… want to ask something.”

Steven ‘hmm’ed and lifted his head off Star’s shoulder. “What is it?”

“I don’t… I don’t want to put you in any more harm than you need to be in,” Star said. He pulled himself out of the hug and glanced down somewhere below Steven’s chest. “I want you to take some time to rest.”

Steven frowned. “You mean…”

He nodded, looking back up at him. “Just for a night. Right now, you need this more than I do,” Star lifted up his shirt to point at his gem. _Their_ gem.

Steven glanced down, then back up to look at Star. “But… I won’t get to see you,” Steven knew it was silly to try and argue against it. Star was right-- Steven’s body had gone through a lot in just the past few hours, and it was difficult not to wince at every moment he made. However, the idea of Star being gone for an evening… for the first time in almost two weeks, when they started? It didn’t sit well with him.

“Just until you get your strength back. Then after that, and… if you’re feeling okay, we can... we can keep doing this,” Star finished, averting his eyes. Steven eyebrows raised in surprise.

Steven already had a sneaking suspicion, but this confirmed that Star _did_ know that they had gone past their initial agreement. As in, he remembered Steven’s promise to stop after just a few nights of pulling out his gem.

Star also knew full well of the risk, as well as the dangers they posed to Steven by doing this. Their test from last night only cemented that. And yet…

Steven had to wonder if he wasn’t the only one getting something out of their arrangement.

“Steven?” Star asked him. Steven realized he hadn’t given him an answer.

He was sure he would be fine not seeing Star for one night. He hoped so anyway, and plus it was only fair: Star had saved him. He did something for Steven, and now it was _his_ turn to do something for Star. It was the least he could do.

“... Okay. Just for a night,” Steven agreed. He rested his head against Star’s shoulder once more, and the two fell into a comfortable silence.

They stayed in the bathroom a while longer. They both knew that it would soon be time to re-fuse. And that this would be the last time they would be together for a while But there was no rush to do so, and no subtle fear that someone might walk in and find them together.

They could simply enjoy the time they had left together. Right now, they had each other, and that’s all that Steven wanted.

\-----

Steven had mostly healed by that night-- maybe enough to try pulling out his gem again. But he didn’t go back on his promise with Star.

It was strange. He was already so used to having another body by his side. And when he didn’t, it was like he didn’t know what to do with himself. He didn’t know what to do with his limbs or his hands. They tended to curl around nothing when there should have been _something_.

It felt empty. Lonely.

He didn’t sleep well that night.

——-

When things resumed to their usual pace the next night, Steven was more than relieved. But as the evening progressed he realized something had changed. Something had changed in Star.

Star had gotten a lot touchier.

Touchier than he ever was before, and _way_ touchier than Steven-- the one who asked for certain physical contact every night.

It was like he made an effort to be in as much contact with Steven’s body as he possibly could. He could feel Star’s body pressed flush against his back, his head resting in the crook of his neck, his legs that tangled with his, and his arms that wrapped themselves tightly around his torso.

Steven didn’t comment on it. He figured it must be because Star missed him. Or maybe he was just being extra affectionate that night… something like that.

That is, he _wouldn’t_ have commented on it if it weren’t for one of Star’s hands sliding underneath his shirt. An involuntary shiver worked up his spine as light fingers smoothed over his chest.

“Uh, Star? What…?” Steven hesitated.

Star hummed in question but didn’t pause his movements. He continued to run his hand up and down Steven’s chest as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

Steven gulped. “Err… nothing,” he said, and the two fell silent again.

This was fine, right? Star missed him and was probably trying to make up for lost time. Or… maybe this was him trying to make up for their experiment a few days ago.

Steven frowned. Star didn’t need to do that. It wasn’t his fault, and therefore he had nothing to make up for. But if that’s what it was and it would help Star with his feelings of guilt, then… Steven supposed it was fine.

Albeit strange at first, he eventually grew used to the sensation. He managed to ease himself into the touch, relaxing enough to close his eyes. Star continued to trace spiralling circles over his chest for a while, which slowly, gradually began to travel down to his stomach... then lower and lower, and further yet...

Until he reached Steven’s lower abdomen, where his fingers ran along the edge of his pants’ waistband.

Steven’s heart rate spiked. “Star, you’re uh, getting a little… low, with your hand… there,” he chuckled nervously. He glanced down and watched as the hand finally came to a halt; Star’s fingers ghosting below the area where his gem would usually be.

Steven was grateful that he stopped, but at the same time he was disappointed that he _stopped_. Steven couldn’t see Star’s expression, meaning he didn’t have a clue what Star might be thinking about; not unless he turned his head and looked over his shoulder. But Steven didn’t dare move. The uncomfortable silence made him want to shift in unease, but still, Steven didn’t move.

“... Is that a bad thing?” Star finally asked. The reverberation of Star’s lowered voice nearly made him jump.

“Oh, w-well, uh,” Steven’s thought process stalled. Was it bad? How could he know if it was, when he didn’t even know what _this_ was? Was _this_ just Star’s way of showing affection? “I mean, it’s. I don’t know, it’s not like it’s _bad_ , it’s just. Y’know...” he sucked in a breath, trying to wrack his brain for the right word. “... a-awkward?”

Star barely missed a beat with his follow-up question.

“But does it feel good?”

“Uh--”

Steven’s brain came to a crashing halt. Feel… good? He supposed it wasn’t _bad_ by any means. But was it good? Did he feel good?

He sucked in a breath. Did he… did he like it enough to want more? 

In that moment, Steven became _very aware_ of the body that pressed against him. The warmth he once found comforting started to feel hot and smothering and overwhelming and he could feel sweat begin to bead at his forehead. Steven didn’t know what to do or what to say. He didn’t think he _could_ say anything with the way a lump somehow managed to get caught in his throat.

In the end it didn’t matter. Light fingers ran along his waistband again and this time Steven couldn’t stop himself from letting out a gasp.

He immediately regretted it.

“Is that a yes?” Star asked. It was subtle, but Steven could swear he heard a smile behind his voice.

Steven was suddenly _very_ grateful he had his back turned to him. All he wanted to run away and bury himself in the sand outside so he never had to look Star in the eyes again. “I-I guess,” he choked out, feeling his cheeks grow hot. If his face were any pinker, he might start to look exactly like Star.

Star continued to feel him for the rest of the night, but much to Steven’s relief, he didn’t stray any lower than his stomach. He managed to get himself to relax. But only by a little.

He didn’t know what prompted this change in Star. It wasn’t one Steven could have seen coming.

That being said, it didn’t mean that it was a _bad_ change; Steven was honest about that. It wasn’t even an _unwelcome_ change. And if he were going to be even _more_ honest, then maybe it _did_... feel good. Maybe... he wouldn’t exactly mind if Star did it again another night.

But saying something like that out loud was embarrassing. He would sooner take another Homeworld invasion or go through another near death experience.

By the end of the night, it was a wonder he got to sleep with how fast his heart pounded and how his mind raced with thoughts of Star’s touch.

Then again, it was also Star’s touch that never failed to put him at ease.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alt chapter name: steven's first gay panic
> 
> this chapter... was a LOT longer than i intended it to be that i surprised even myself. it's about the length of the first two chapters combined... i really dont know what happened LOL. but i hope this isnt /too/ riddled with mistakes.
> 
> thank you always for reading. <3 my twitter is @stevencests, where all i post is, well, stevencest. i might write some short fic threads or prompts sometime as well.
> 
> and just as a warning or an fyi... the rating may or may not get bumped... relatively soon. ;)


	4. build-up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! thank you for being so patient on this next chapter! just one thing before we begin:
> 
> you may have noticed that the rating has changed to **Explicit**! warnings and tags have changed as well. **please keep this in mind!** if this fic is no longer your cup of tea then that's completely understandable. but if it is, i hope you enjoy the ride i have in store for you. ;)
> 
> enjoy!

Things changed after that night.

Only a few days had passed and Star was hardly subtle about the way he touched Steven anymore. Hands explored every inch of exposed skin they could find in long glides. They moved over his neck and torso, occasionally daring to move down further where he lingered along his waist and hip bones.

Star was relentless. It was as if he grew pushier by the night, always seeking out more areas of Steven to touch. He only seemed to stop (albeit begrudgingly) when Steven vocalized that he was too tired.

That’s what Steven told him anyway. When in truth, any more skin-on-skin contact like that, and... Steven didn’t think he could handle anymore. His chest grew too warm and his face turned flushed, and, more often than not, he would find that he was dangerously warm in certain other areas.

_Does it feel good?_

Star’s question from the other night rang in his head. He hadn’t realized how starved he was for some sort of positive connection until after he’d started spending time with Star. Steven knew for certain now that he didn’t want it to stop. The truth was it _did_ feel good— he wasn’t about to give up one of the few good things he’d had in months.

He didn’t know if it was something he’d subconsciously wanted all along and was enabling Star to do by giving in to him. Or if it was something they _both_ wanted, having their once chaste relationship of touch and receive— of give and take— slowly evolve into something much deeper than that.

Steven’s only concern was how quickly they were moving into new territory. He had never done this with anyone before— and he supposed Star hadn’t either. Was this right? Should they be taking this slower? Not to mention, he still didn’t know _what_ caused this drastic change in Star. These were things he figured he should ask before they were in too deep.

He never got the chance to, however, as that night was the most demanding Star had ever been.

He made a point to close as much space between them as he possibly could. Star pushed them together until Steven’s back pressed flush against his body. He could feel just how their bodies fit together, how his breath fluttered on his neck and how their legs tangled together under the sheets.

Nearly every bit of space around him was claimed by Star. Steven felt like mush under his touch.

_Does it feel good?_

This had been their norm for over two weeks, but now… suddenly, everything felt different. The interactions they had, which had once seemed normal, were now developing into something _more_. Deeper. Intimate. One of Star’s hands ran along the bare skin of his exposed waist as the thought crossed his mind, and Steven shivered.

He _wanted_ that intimacy, he realized. As nerve-wracking as it was and as unsure of himself as he was, he didn’t want it to stop now. He wanted more.

Star’s hand repeated the action and this time Steven couldn’t help letting out a low “please”.

Then Star’s movements stuttered. A soft gasp echoed in Steven’s ear, then suddenly, hips jolted roughly into his backside.

Steven yelped. Did he just…?

“Star?!” he hissed, his cheeks igniting with embarrassment. Whatever reaction he had been anticipating, Star grinding himself into his back wasn’t it.

When he didn’t get an immediate answer, he shot a glance over his shoulder. “Star, why did…?”

“... That was the first word you said to me.”

Steven paused. His alarm shifted into confusion. “Huh?”

“‘Please’,” Star clarified. “When we first— you looked at me and said…” he trailed off, blinking. It seemed as if what had just happened clicked in his head because a moment later, his eyes grew wide.

“Oh, I didn’t mean to—” Star blurted. “It’s just when you said... ” Then he paused, catching Steven’s bewildered look. 

“You… don’t remember?” he asked, his lips pursing into a tight line.

“Remember…?” Steven frowned. What did he mean by ‘his first word’? Did he mean when he pulled Star out for the first time? Or was it...

Then it clicked. “No, I… I do. I remember,” Steven said. Recollections of his time on Homeworld flashed through his head. Although foggy and unclear— either from the adrenaline he’d felt at the time or the mental block he’d subconsciously put on his memories— he could still recall the moments after White Diamond pulled his gem out of his body.

_Pain, unbearable pain. Then darkness. Then light, and Connie holding him up. Watching his gem take form._

_... Seeing him. Making eye contact from across the room._

_Reaching out. Attempting to take a step forward towards— then falling. Failing. And then panic._

_“Please, I— I need...” he’d croaked, arm outstretched in front of him. “I need it…”_

An unpleasant feeling began to surface in his gut as Steven recalled his memories. “I felt… empty. All I knew was that I was missing something I needed. And if I didn’t get it, I’d die.”

“But then you took me into your arms, and things felt like they were going to be okay.” He swallowed. “I felt so relieved a-and… and _happy_ to be together again.”

As he said it, Steven realized it was similar to how he’d felt during their ‘test’ a few days ago; it was the feeling of immense physical pain when they were apart and the overwhelming rush of emotion and relief when they were together.

“I…” Steven gulped, then shook his head. “I don’t want us to be apart like that again,” he admitted.

“... Me neither,” Star agreed after a pause. The hand on Steven’s hip glided up his shirt again to hover over his heart. “This… this feels right,” he said, and Steven turned his head back around to hide his quiet gasp. Steven briefly wondered if Star could feel the rhythm of his heart and just how fast it was beating in his chest.

To Steven’s surprise, it was Star who was the first to speak after a period of silence.

“Uh, also, sorry for doing… that,” he muttered. Steven raised an eyebrow questioningly. He was about to reassure him that White pulling him out by force wasn’t his fault and that he wasn’t the one who hurt him.

But then Steven became very aware of Star’s hips still pressing against him, and he realized that _wasn’t_ what Star was talking about.

“U-um. It’s fine. It just… surprised me, is all,” Steven chuckled sheepishly while attempting to ignore his growing blush. 

“So... it was okay?” he heard Star ask.

He nodded. It _did_ surprise him, but that didn’t necessarily mean it was unwanted. As nervous as he felt, deep down, it was the intimacy he wanted.

There was a moment before Star spoke again. He puffed out a breath, the air tickling Steven’s nape. “It’s just... I don’t know why we didn’t do this from the start. Doing this,” he said while rubbing Steven’s chest again, “is the closest I can get to being one with you while we’re not fused,” he rumbled.

Steven’s eyes widened. Was that what made Star change? His over-display of affection wasn’t him trying to make up for “failing” to protect Steven when he’d tried to last without Star’s help?

Rather, it seemed like what they did every night was something Star genuinely enjoyed. It wasn’t something he did out of obligation. He was _also_ benefitting from the time they spent together— not just Steven.

So if this was what they _both_ wanted, then…

A thought raced through his head, one of want and desire. Steven’s blush deepened even further and the concern that they might be moving too fast resurfaced once again.

But even if it made him nervous, he _wanted_ intimacy, he reminded himself. As deep as it could go.

Surely Star wanted that too? He wasn’t misreading the signs, right?

Steven shakily inhaled and swallowed down his nerves, then opened his mouth before he had a chance to second guess himself.

“Well it’s not the _closest_ you can get...” he started.

Steven regretted the words as soon as they were out of him. He hoped Star wouldn’t look too deep into what he’d said. But as soon as he finished speaking, Star snapped his attention towards him.

“What?” he asked.

Sweat was already beginning to bead at Steven’s forehead. “I mean, we could be even closer. P-physically,” he said, attempting to keep his voice level and collected despite how much his heart wanted to leap out of his throat.

Star sat up and gave him a stare that seemed to pierce his skin, down to his very soul. “Is that so?” he enunciated. Each syllable rang clear in Steven’s ears.

Words tried to form in Steven’s throat, but he couldn’t get himself to answer. There was an uncomfortable dryness in his mouth that seemed to linger no matter how much he swallowed.

Then Star turned so he loomed above Steven. Pink hands pinned him on either side of his head, and his knees straddled his hips— close enough that he was nearly sitting on his lap. “Tell me how,” he said. It wasn’t a question. It was a demand.

“C’mon, y-you know...” Steven breathed. His eyes subconsciously glanced down to the front of his pants, where Steven could feel himself growing hotter and hotter.

By the time he looked away, it was already too late. Star followed Steven’s eyes to where they were looking, then he gazed back up at him with the same hard stare.

It was all too much; from the way Star hovered over him and their legs pressed together to how Steven’s groin started to twitch in his pants… It was suffocating. Smothering. Steven squeezed his eyes shut in embarrassment.

He felt Star shifting above him. The pressure from their legs pressing together disappeared as Star climbed off him, and for a brief moment, Steven’s heart sank at the absence of Star’s touch.

And then it all happened so fast. Star’s hands found their way down to Steven’s legs and gripped him tightly behind his knees. Then he spread Steven’s legs apart and pulled him forward until their hips snapped together.

Steven gave another surprised yelp and his eyes shot wide open.

This time, when their bodies connected, Steven could feel something pressing against him. Something warm and _firm_. He didn’t have to look down to know exactly what it was. His gut made a vicious turn at the realization.

Instead, he forced his eyes to drift up towards Star, where he hovered over him with his pupils dilated, light breaths escaping from his ajar lips. His mouth then opened and closed a few times as if he were trying to decide on something to say. And then...

“Steven, I—”

“Yo, Ste-man!”

Steven flinched at the new voice. They immediately fell silent and turned their heads towards the direction of the stairs. Steven could hear the sound of someone shuffling downstairs slowly growing louder.

Whoever it was, they were making their way towards his room.

They turned back to look at each other. As their eyes connected, the same thought seemed to cross their minds: there wasn’t a way to find a hiding place for Star. Even if they found one, Steven couldn’t think of a good enough reason to explain why he suddenly looked sickly pale and on the verge of passing out. Not unless he explained that he simply got like that when he didn’t have his gem, and _why_ he didn’t have it.

No. Their time was up.

They nodded without speaking another word. Star bent down to touch their foreheads together, then light enveloped them both.

There was hardly any time to recover. In the amount of time it took for them to finish re-fusing and for Steven to reorient himself from the rush of suddenly being whole again, Amethyst’s face appeared from the stairs.

“Hey dude,” she said, peering into the room. “Uh, everything cool in here?”

The blood that pounded in his ears was loud enough to muffle her voice, and Steven nearly missed her question. “O-oh, I’m fine! Everything’s fine. Totally fine!” He forced out a laugh. “Why? Is, uh, something the matter?”

Amethyst raised an eyebrow. “Er, not really, I just thought I saw a pink glow coming from up here. Are you doing okay?”

“Pink glow?” he echoed. For a second, his heart dropped out of his chest. She must have been talking about the pink glow Star gave off, but— _was_ Steven glowing? Right now, without him noticing, again? He couldn’t tell. He made a quick but discreet glance down at his hands in his lap.

There was no pink or glowing of any kind. Steven gave an inward sigh of relief. “N-nah, I told you, everything’s fine! There’s nothing to worry about.” He waved his hand dismissively in the air.

Amethyst squinted at him. “Soooo… I’m guessing you weren’t talking either? Because I thought I heard talking,” she said, taking a step towards him. “Are you _sure_ —” 

“Yep! In fact,” —Steven stretched his arms towards the ceiling and let out a forced yawn— “I was _just_ about to hit the hay. Goodnight!”

He immediately turned his back away from the stairs, closed his eyes, and lay still. As still as he could make himself. Meanwhile, Amethyst remained quiet. There was no indication that she had heard him or that she had left the room, but Steven didn’t dare open his eyes to check.

However, eventually, she spoke. “Err, well okay. Sleep tight,” she said hesitantly. “Just… remember we’re here for you, all right?”

Steven didn’t give her a response, instead choosing to remain still and listen for her footsteps. She walked back down the stairs and disappeared into the kitchen. It wasn’t until he heard the temple door activate and close again that he let out a relieved, yet annoyed groan.

He didn’t think there could have been a worse time for an interruption. And just when they were starting to pick up the pace….

All he wanted was to continue his night with Star; however, he figured it wasn’t safe anymore. There might be a chance Amethyst or even Garnet or Pearl might check up on him again. And Steven didn’t want to chance another close encounter.

Irritation flared inside him and another groan escaped his lips. One of his hands shot down towards the front of his bulge and he palmed himself through his pants in frustration. His growl turned into a gasp as his semi-hard length twitched from the contact.

He remembered the deep, intense look on Star’s face and how hot he’d felt when they pressed together.

He wanted to know what Star had been about to say just before they were interrupted.

He wanted _more_. He wanted to keep going to see how far they would go.

But he would have to wait. As much as he wanted it, he had to be patient.

Steven gave himself one last squeeze, a tease for what he could’ve had that night, but also for what he had to look forward to next time. He made a notable effort to ignore the growing aches and throbbing in his pants, but after some time, he fell asleep, feeling frustrated and unsatisfied.

\-----

Unfortunately, the next morning, he woke up feeling just as pent up as the night before.

Steven absentmindedly felt his semi-hard-on through his pants, his head still wrapped around the events of last night. He wished he didn’t have to wait until tonight. All he wanted was to continue where they had left off as soon as they could. If he couldn’t do that, then at the very least he could indulge in his thoughts in the meantime.

But as it turned out, the universe _loved_ to interrupt him at the most inconvenient times.

There was a loud, intrusive buzzing noise that shocked Steven out of his thoughts, and he jumped at the sound. His hand automatically shot out to his nightstand where his phone was, and without really bothering to see who was calling, he answered.

“Uh, hello?” he said hesitantly.

“Oh, good, you finally picked up!” replied a relieved voice. A painfully _familiar_ voice. Steven’s heart plummeted.

“O-oh, hey… Connie,” he said with a grimace. Connie was his best friend, sure, but hearing her voice now felt, in a way, awkward. It was _not_ the best time for her to be calling him.

“I can’t believe we haven’t talked since the hospital. How are you?” she asked. “Have you had any more issues with pink glowing and swelling?”

More memories of the night prior flashed through his mind. He recalled strong pink arms that held him down by his shoulders, a flash of intense, piercing eyes, and something hard and _warm_ pressing between his legs.

He could feel blood rushing to his cheeks at the thought. And the worst part was: his face wasn’t the only part of his body that was currently growing flush. “Well, in a way…” he said with a dry, sheepish laugh. _Issues with pink glowing and swelling? You could say that,_ he thought.

“... What do you mean ‘in a way’?” Connie questioned.

Steven’s eyes snapped wide. He had made a mistake. “Oh, erm, n-nothing!” he stumbled. “It’s absolutely nothing to worry about. How are you? H-how’s college prep?”

He could practically hear the frown in her voice. “Steven… it’s fine, but… are you okay? Do you need—”

“Nope!” he interjected. Perhaps with a bit more pep than he needed, but it was already too late to take it back. He needed to find a way out of the conversation before she got even more suspicious. “Uh, listen, I should go, I, uh…” he fumbled for an excuse. “A-Amethyst... tried to flush herself down the toilet again.”

“... _What?_ ”

“Uh, bye!”

With lightning speed, he ended the call, put his phone on ‘do not disturb’, and slammed his phone down into the mattress.

He was hot— not from arousal. His mood had been effectively killed in the short amount of time it took to talk with Connie. No, he was hot from embarrassment.

It was strange, now that he thought about it. Less than a month ago, he had proposed to Connie and asked to be with her forever. But lately he had barely thought of her. Not since his incident in the hospital.

In truth, he had been thinking of…

…of someone else.

Steven stared down at his hands. What did it mean? Of course he loved her— she was his best friend. But did he really love her… as more than that?

Was he only pursuing a romantic relationship because she was his first meaningful connection outside of his dad and the gems? Because he thought it was the answer to his feelings of emptiness and meaninglessness? Were his feelings truly that short-lived?

Of course he loved her. Of course he was happy when they were together. They were friends. Best friends.

But it didn’t quite compare to when he was with Star.

It was hard to describe. When they were together, Steven felt like he didn’t have to hide himself behind a mask. Not when he was with someone who could truly understand him, inside and out. There was a sense of fulfillment Steven got that nothing else could equal. Only when they were together did he feel… satisfied? _Happy?_

Star was quite literally his other half. The connection they shared was deeper and more personal than anything he presently had— or ever would have— with anyone else. And that included Connie.

So what did that tell him about his relationship with Star? What were they?

Did Steven feel for Star in _that_ kind of way?

His entire face felt like it was overheating, from his cheeks up to his ear tips. His thought process began to stall and the harder he thought, the more confused he got.

In the end he answered none of his questions, and the only thing he achieved was giving himself an upset stomach.

\-----

When Steven summoned Star that night, Star wasted no time getting right back into where they’d left off the night prior.

He was on him the second after he reformed. Steven toppled backwards into the mattress with a startled “Hey!” but was swiftly cut off by rough hands pushing his legs apart, pulling him forward into Star’s lap once again.

Then Steven could feel something _firm_ pressing itself against the front of his pants. 

He looked down just in time to see Star roll their groins together. A spark of pleasure coursed through his vein. “Star...” he gulped.

Star barely seemed to hear him. His expression remained blank, but unlike his usual poker face, there were subtle hints that alluded to his true feelings: things like the slight crease in his brow, or his clenched jawline.

Or his darkened gaze that seemed to roam up and down his body as if he were scrutinizing every inch. Steven swore he could have pried him apart from the inside and explored every corner of him with only a stare.

He couldn’t tell if the tingling in his stomach was from nerves or from pleasure. But then Star rolled their hips together again. And then again, and Steven tossed his head back and gasped. He could feel himself quickly growing harder and harder at the sensation.

If Star kept it up, he didn’t think he would last the night.

Then the movement stopped. Star removed his hands from Steven’s legs and sat back on his heels. His hands moved back onto Steven’s body, sliding down his abdomen, down to his hips where his thumbs slotted themselves under the waistband of his pants, starting to tug the garment down—

Steven sat up with a panicked jolt. “Uh— whoa whoa whoa wait,” he spluttered, scooting back until he hit the bed’s headboard. “We’re, uh, d-doing this now?”

For the first time that night, Star gave him his full attention. His head jerked up and he glared; Steven nearly shivered underneath the intensity of his gaze.

“You’re saying you want to wait?” he growled, sounding vexed.

“Uh, n-no, that’s not— uh,” Steven stuttered in a panic. It was as if something in Star had snapped. He had never seen his patience stretched so thin before, and he wasn’t about to test his temper by delaying what they both wanted.

Steven looked from side to side hurriedly until his eyes locked onto something on his right. “Um. H-here, just, use this before you…” He reached out for a bottle of lotion on his nightstand and handed it out to Star.

Star barely glanced at the bottle before he swiped it out of his hand.

Steven laid back down and let out a nervous sigh. Of course he had... _experimented_ with himself a bit in the past, but he had never done anything like what they were about to do. Not even close.

He was reminded of how truly inexperienced he was when it came down to it. They _both_ were. So how was Star so assured and straightforward with what he wanted? Wasn’t he nervous?

Steven knew _he_ was, at least. Even if he made all the preparations in the world, it was still his first time. He didn’t know what to do or what to expect. And that was what scared him the most.

On the other hand, Star was already pushing things along at light speed. He had pulled his own pants down to his knees, and soon enough, Star’s cock presented itself before him.

It looked just like Steven’s in both size and length. However, seeing it while it was currently hovering between his spread legs and knowing where it was about to go— where Star was about to put it— made it seem _so much larger_. The heat in his gut ignited like a wildfire at the sight.

Then Star turned his attention towards Steven.

He squirmed as Star reached for his pants, but he didn’t make any other move to stop him as he shucked his pants down in one swift motion, causing Steven’s own cock— now almost completely hard— to spring up from out of his pants.

Steven knew his face had to be red with embarrassment by now— it _had_ to be, but he couldn’t tell because everywhere else on his body felt just as hot. He felt exposed— so terribly exposed, and the urge to cover himself or cross his legs came over him. He didn’t try it, however, knowing that Star would probably stop him anyway.

Instead he lay there with his cheeks flushed, watching with wide eyes as Star hastily squeezed a small amount of lotion into his palms, then slicked his hands up and down his length. Steven couldn’t keep his eyes off the sight. 

_Oh god, this is really happening,_ he thought, the realization only now fully kicking in. _They were going to…_

When Star was done, his hands found their way back to Steven’s inner thighs, retightening their grip. He aligned them perfectly and positioned himself between his legs. That was when Steven could feel something hot and slick prodding against his hole.

Sweat trickled down his forehead and he gulped. There was no more time to second guess himself. No going back. This was it.

Then Star thrust inside of him, sharp and quick.

Steven jolted up, mouth agape, then slammed back into the mattress. Having something enter him so rough and quick was unlike anything he had ever felt before.

Normally, physical contact with Star was a warm, comforting sensation. That wasn’t the case in this instance.

It hurt. The realization was more jarring than the pain itself; he hadn’t realized that it would hurt so much. But at the same time it made him feel so hot and full, fuller than he had ever been before.

“Nn, guhh,” Steven whined. He willed himself to simply _breathe_ after what felt like having the wind knocked out of him. But the suddenness of being empty and then incredibly _full_ and alive with sensations had him paralyzed.

He wasn’t sure if what he was experiencing— the mix of pain and pleasure— was gratifying. Yet he couldn’t stop the moans from escaping his lips as Star somehow kept pushing his hardened length deeper inside of him until their hips snapped together.

Steven already felt like he needed a breather. Much to his relief, however, Star had gone stock-still as well. Apart from the heavy rise and fall of their chests and the rapid blinking of their eyelashes as they stared deeply into one another, the two remained motionless. 

Luckily, the initial pain was already subsiding. Steven _had_ experimented with a few of his fingers to stretch himself out in the past. Perhaps, he thought, his body just needed a second to adjust and the pain wouldn’t be too bad once they got their rhythm.

But then Star began to move in and out of him and the throbbing pain seemed to return tenfold. Steven slapped a hand over his mouth to hold back a yelp.

The slow pace Star had initially set didn’t last long. His thrusts quickly intensified, moving at a pace that Steven could barely keep up with. The slick sounds of Star sliding in and out of him and the sensation of his cock pressing against the walls of his hole had Steven utterly floored. He was helpless but to let his moans roll out with each thrust.

“It was awful when you tried to go without your gem. To go without _me_. Do you know why?” Star asked him between huffs. Steven only whimpered in response, but he continued nonetheless. “Not only did I have to sit there and watch you get hurt, I couldn’t _touch_ you. The one thing I wanted and I wasn’t allowed to even do that. But that’s not going to happen. Not again,” he growled, all while keeping a steady pace as he plowed deeper into Steven. “I’m not letting you go like that again. I like it better when I can _feel_ you.”

Steven didn’t know what to think. Star’s confession and the possessiveness of his voice, layered on top of being mercilessly fucked, were overwhelming. “Please,” he tried to say. “Ah, s-slow down, I—”

Steven looked up at him to try and meet his eyes. But what he saw caught him by surprise.

Star looked different. The last time he had seen Star like this was a few nights ago. At the time, he’d initially chalked it up to his imagination playing tricks on him while he was in his near-death stupor. But now Steven could see that it was no trick.

It was as if he had grown broader and larger. No, he _was_ larger, and the bed underneath them creaked from the pressure of Star’s newly added weight. Long, untamed curls of hair puffed up in whichever direction and his pupils were wider, blown out and dilated.

Then strong fingers tightened their grip around Steven’s inner thighs. This time the yelp that left his mouth was one of pain. Nails scraped and dug deep into him until his skin burned and throbbed. Steven winced. “O-ow, Star, wait...” he said, trying to get him to pause.

But Star continued to plow into him as if he hadn’t heard him at all. “This feels _way_ better than fusing. It’s so much more—” He let out a guttural huff above him, and a particularly rough jerk of his hips made Steven see lights behind his eyelids. It was as if he’d hit something so deep inside of him that it temporarily overrode the pain with ecstasy, and Steven’s cry filled the air.

His body was a livewire, alight with sensations. Each thrust constantly crossed the border on either pain or pleasure.

But the rougher Star slammed inside him, the more the pain seemed to increase. The hold Star had on his thighs turned into a death grip as his thrusts got faster and harder, and god, he really _was_ too big and Steven was too tight, and he felt as if he could split underneath Star’s cock alone.

Steven didn’t know if he could endure it any longer. All of it was just too much. 

“ _Please_ —ngh— Star, s-stop, I can’t—” he rasped out. His hands gripped the sheets below him in a desperate attempt to try and hang on. “T-This is kind of hurting…”

But once again, Star remained unresponsive to Steven’s plea. His expression was similar to the ones he wore when he got lost petting Steven’s hair. Or when he rubbed his back or his chest. His eyes were unfocused, as if he were concentrated on something distant and far away, something that only he could see.

Star was gone, lost to the sensations. If there was any way to grab his attention again, Steven didn’t know it.

Moans and pants filled the space around them. Steven could no longer tell which ones were his own. All of his other senses were drowned out by Star’s hard thrusts until they were all he knew. The sensation of in and out. Fast and rough. Pleasure and pain.

Then the pace of Star’s movements faltered. He no longer moved at a steady rhythm and instead, the hips that slammed into Steven became erratic and desperate, like he was fervently building up to something. Like he was reaching a peak. A climax.

“Fuck, Steven,” he gasped. “I’m gonna—”

Star’s hips made two final snaps into him. There was a shudder from above him, and then suddenly, hot release began to spill deep inside of him. Steven gave a whimper as his walls involuntarily clenched around Star’s throbbing cock, milking him of his release until he had nothing left to give.

They remained immobile for a while, with Star still holding on to his thighs and Steven laying still in his grasp. The sound of their heavy and laboured breaths had been the only audible thing in the room until Star slowly slid out of him with a wet “pop”. Steven let out a ragged gasp.

He was exhausted. He no longer had the energy to keep his eyes open, let alone move.

The fact that he was still hard and covered in sweat and other bodily fluids was the least of his concerns. Truth be told, Steven could have fallen asleep the way he was— hot and drained of everything he had.

And he would have. Gradually, his breathing evened out and he could feel his consciousness going under, until...

“Oh no…” came a timid whisper. “Oh, no no no,”

Steven forced himself to pry his eyes open. He tried his best to prop himself up on his elbows, wincing as he did so. “What’s, ow… what’s wrong?” he mumbled.

A soft touch traced over his thighs, soft enough that Steven thought it was just the sheets brushing up against him. Until he looked down.

He was met with a spectacular, splotchy mess of deep purples and blues. Large bruises along his inner thighs had begun to bloom in the shape of finger marks. Each time a smooth, gentle finger— a contrast to what they had been just a few minutes ago— ghosted over one of the larger bruises, a sting of pain flared at the spot.

“I did this, I—” Star choked. “I did this…”

Steven frowned at the distress in his voice and a twang of sympathy ran through him. “Oh… it’s okay,” he tried to reassure him. “It—”

“It’s _NOT_ okay!”

The room rumbled around them. Walls and windows creaked under an invisible pressure, and miscellaneous items on his table rattled in disturbance. Steven reflexively shielded himself with his arm, then peeked out once the tremors came to a stop.

“Star, it’s fine, really! It’ll heal, it’s okay—”

“No! It’s not!” Another tremor shook the room followed by a loud crack. Steven whipped his head towards the sound; a large fracture ran up the window on his right.

Then he turned back to Star. It was obvious that he wanted to run. Or at least get himself far away from Steven. He pulled his hands to his chest and inched as far away from Steven as he possibly could; however, he couldn’t risk going any further without losing physical contact with him.

Star’s eyes were wide. “You keep saying that, but you’re hurt because I went too far. Because I didn’t listen and because I got carried away.”

“You didn’t—”

“Stop!” Star interrupted. “I did! _I_ hurt you! Just like everyone else has!” he spat.

His words echoed and reverberated around the room. The space around them was heavy. Almost tangible. Steven could’ve heard a pin drop if the pin could have pierced its way through the dense air around them first.

Star’s expression was a familiar one. Gritted teeth, knitted brows, ferocious eyes that screamed _pain_ and _anger_. But it wasn’t anger directed at him— not at Steven.

It was anger Star was directing at himself.

Of course it was familiar; he had seen this look on his own face before— more often than he’d like to admit. It was the _exact_ same look.

It was true that Star’d hurt him and it was true that he’d gone a little too far. Perhaps, if he were someone else, he would feel angry about what Star’d done. But Steven didn’t hold any animosity towards him at all.

In truth, Steven could see some of his own rashness and emotional impulsiveness of his recent mistakes reflected in Star. Like how he’d trapped everyone at the graduation party in a dome to prevent them from leaving. Or how he’d blown up at his dad for keeping his human side of the family away from him. Or how, lately, he felt jealous at everybody’s successes and that they were all doing incredible things except for him.

Or… when he’d tried proposing to Connie…

He shook his head. In any case, Steven didn’t feel resentment towards Star at all. He understood how easily his _own_ emotions and desires could get out of control, after all.

“Star, what I meant was...” he swallowed. “You didn’t mean to. This is… This was our first time doing something like this. Mistakes happen.”

He sat up as best as he could and shuffled himself closer to Star— all while making an effort not to cringe in pain. Slowly, he inched his hand closer to his, carefully watching him for any sign of objection.

Star’s hand twitched, once Steven got too close. But he didn’t pull away. Steven took it as a good sign.

He interlaced their hands together and gave him a gentle squeeze. “I’m here,” he reassured.

The anger on Star’s face dissipated as they touched, but anguish and guilt remained carved into his expression. Steven caught Star’s eyes glance down at his legs again, taking in the mess of bruises that littered his skin.

And then he let out a pained, heavy sigh.

Star returned his squeeze. It was gentle and timid, as if he were scared that, if he squeezed him too hard, he might hurt him again.

Wordlessly, Star closed his eyes. Steven could feel something tugging at his very core, asking to reconnect. To reunite. To return to him.

Steven allowed it. Light filled the room and together they re-fused.

He remained seated on his bed for a little while after, his mind numb. Everything had gone so well— but then the night had made an unexpected dive. Now he just felt insensate. Conflicted. … Guilty.

He felt too tired to be bothered to clean himself up, and the aching in and between his legs deterred him from getting up anyway. Instead he collapsed back into his mattress, exhausted, and quickly fell into a cold, empty sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alt chapter name: steven quartz universe is a magnet for suffering, and also the author's personal punching bag.
> 
> @CaramelRaven has generously offered to beta this fic! theyve put in a lot of work editing this chapter and also previous chapters (which will be updated in time) so please give them a round of applause!
> 
> again, i apologize for the wait on this chapter. i recently started my job again + my 9 year old laptop developed a habit of randomly crashing and disconnecting me from wifi?? however, there is good news! i’m getting a new laptop within the next week or two, so this wont be a problem in the future.
> 
> thank you again for your patience and for your support on this fic, whether its by kudos-ing or commenting. i appreciate all of you who have stuck around thus far. <3 feel free to check me out @stevencests on twitter, where all i post is stevencest/occasional SU stuff.


	5. aftermath.

Steven couldn’t walk the next morning.

Nevermind trying to walk— he could barely _move_.

Earlier, he had attempted to get up and grab breakfast. Except the minute he tried to sit up, a sharp, blinding pain shot through his lower pelvis and he collapsed back into his pillow.

It looked like he wouldn’t be going anywhere today. In the end, he was forced to text Pearl and ask if she could bring him breakfast instead.

After sending his message, he resumed to lie in bed, motionless. The less he moved, the less his legs and pelvic area hurt. But his body wasn’t the only part of him that was in pain.

Steven felt like his head was about to split into two. Feelings of guilt and self-loathing pounded away at his skull, and when he tried to reach deep inside himself and quell the emotions, they only seemed to return tenfold. He closed his eyes and curled his head inwards, hoping it would drown out the war happening in his head.

At some point Pearl— or at least he was pretty sure it was Pearl; he didn’t exactly check— had come up to his room and left something by his nightstand. Distantly, Steven could pick out her voice and what sounded like his name and a question, followed by the words “breakfast” and “eat”.

He grumbled a “thanks” in response. It seemed to do the trick because a moment later, she had left the room.

Steven wasn’t sure how long he lay there. He was happy to stay that way for as long as he possibly could: unmoving and immobile, drowning out everything else while he focused on the never-ending cycle that were his emotions. Guilt, followed by soothing reassurance, followed by even more guilt. Rinse and repeat.

Then, through his haze, he began to hear something. A voice. It seemed to layer itself onto the bustling noise of his thoughts, growing louder by the second. Steven shut his eyes tighter, hoping that if he just willed it hard enough, it would go away, that it would just leave him alone, and—

“Steven!”

The familiarity of the voice cut through the haze, and Steven’s eyes shot open. Standing by the stairs was his dad, staring at him with concern written over his features.

“Dad?” he asked, confused. “What are you doing here?”

“Pearl said you weren’t doing too hot,” Greg said as he began to make his way towards his bed, “so I came over to check on how you’re doing.”

But then his dad paused as something caught his eye to the left. Greg stopped in front of the glass door that led out to the balcony, examining the large fracture that ran up and down the glass. “Huh... has this always been here?” he muttered.

Steven’s stomach did a turn. The events of last night rushed towards him.

_A bright pink glow. An angry shout. Tremoring walls. Creaking floors. A loud_ snap _of a glass pane cracking._

_Guilt hidden behind layers of anger in eyes that were so familiar. So similar._

Steven grimaced but said nothing. He looked up at the ceiling, trying once again to soothe the surge of emotions that ran through him and keep them from overflowing.

Greg ‘hmm’ed as he inspected the crack, but much to Steven’s relief, he said nothing else.

His dad returned his attention back to Steven and turned to sit on the bed next to him. He placed his palm over Steven’s forehead, flipping his hand over as if he were checking his temperature. “Are you doing okay, kiddo? Are you feeling si—”

Steven swatted his hand away in annoyance. “I’m fine, dad,” he clipped, then rolled over.

He could understand Greg’s concern, but right now was really not the best time. All Steven wanted was to be left alone.

“Are y’sure? You haven’t even touched your breakfast…” Greg trailed off. There was a brief sound of cutlery clanging together. Then the scent of breakfast— what smelled like toast and bacon— filled his nose. “Here, have some,” he encouraged.

Steven’s stomach grumbled at the smell. He _was_ hungry, but the idea of eating didn’t sound exactly appealing. Not when he had to sit up. Not when sitting up would hurt. Not when the pain would remind him of last night. Not when being reminded of last night would spin his head with all sorts of different emotions with enough force to make him sick.

So he shook his head. “I don’t want any,” he grumbled unhappily.

For a moment Greg was silent. But then he sighed. “Y’know, if this is about crashing the van… it’s okay!” he said. “Pearl and Garnet helped me get it back in working order a while ago, so it’s really not a big deal. And, y’know, I don’t blame you for the way you acted. I thought about it, and I think I understand how you felt about our family, and…”

The words that came out of Greg’s mouth began to mesh into an incomprehensible meld of sound, then blurred and faded even further until Steven couldn’t comprehend him anymore.

It wasn’t about the van anymore. It wasn’t even about how his dad kept him from living a perfectly normal life as a human kid. No, his problems went way beyond that. Not that Greg would understand, anyway. And it wasn’t like Steven cared about what he was saying.

And yet Greg’s voice carried on, almost incessantly. A ringing noise in Steven’s ears began to grow and grow, grating at the inside of his ear drums until it became unbearable.

He could feel his anger quickly surfacing. It was as if his temper were a wild beast tugging against a tether, applying more and more strength, ready and willing to be let loose.

And then the tether— and Steven— snapped. A sudden surge of energy and emotion flowed through him, and before he knew it, he was sitting up despite his pain, his arms outstretched in exasperation.

“I hurt someone! Someone I love!” he exclaimed in anger. “I hurt them when I shouldn’t have, and it was all because I got carried away. I was supposed to keep them safe! And I **failed!** ”

Steven’s vision swam in red. He was barely aware of the walls rattling around him or of the deep heaves of his chest, or even of the pain digging into his pelvis. The room was deathly silent even long after the rattling stopped, and neither he nor Greg moved.

Then, slowly, Greg pointed directly at Steven. “Whoa, Steven, you’re…” he murmured. Steven looked down at himself.

He was glowing pink. Again.

That’s when something hit Steven. He lowered his arms as he faltered.

The fact that he was glowing pink wasn’t what surprised him. No, it was what he had just said. He meant the words with his very heart, with all the passion and intensity he had just a moment ago. But they were spontaneous, as if he wasn’t the one who thought of them. As if he had spoken them outside of his own volition.

The words _were_ his own, but at the same time… they also belonged to someone else.

They were quiet again, Steven primarily silent out of surprise. It ended up being Greg who broke the silence.

“... ‘Someone you love’? Was it Connie?” he asked in a low voice.

Steven’s mouth reacted faster than he could think. “What? No!” he scoffed. “I don’t lo... “

He paused, blinking his eyes rapidly.

“I… I-I mean, no, it wasn’t… it wasn’t _Connie_ , why would it... be…”

Greg furrowed his brows. “... You okay Steven?”

_No,_ Steven thought. He had never felt more conflicted or confused than he did in that moment.

He couldn’t imagine a world without Connie. Not when they had been through so much together. So was he really about to say he didn’t love her? That couldn’t be true. Of course Steven still loved his best friend in all the world.

He still felt the light, floating feeling of romantic love deep in his chest. But when he searched deep inside himself, he slowly came to the realization that those feelings weren’t for _her_.

Instead, when he thought about those feelings, all Steven could think about were large, comforting arms enveloping him. Tender touches dancing on his skin. Light and warmth sinking down into his bones and filling him with life.

Steven flashed back to his thoughts about Star a few nights prior. About how their relationship already felt deeper and more personal than anything he had ever had before.

That was when the revelation clicked jarringly into place. It was as if his mind were a rubber band that stretched farther and farther back until it released, the shock of the ‘snap’ jolting him into realization.

Something had bloomed in his heart while he had his back turned. Steven felt romantic attraction, but it wasn’t for _Connie_.

It was for...

He sat there, mouth open but with no sound coming out of it. He tried to search for the right way to express his realization. The right way to say how he felt. The right words that would make sense. But when he racked his brain, all he came up with was nothing.

Luckily, his dad took mercy on him— deliberately or not, Steven didn’t know— and spared him from his awkward silence by speaking up once again. “You can’t protect someone all the time, schtu-ball,” he said tenderly. “People who love each other can hurt each other, even if they don’t mean to. Sometimes that’s just part of relationships.”

Steven’s mouth slowly hinged closed and shifted into a grimace. “But that doesn’t make it okay!” he protested, shaking his head. “They keep saying it’s okay when it’s really not. I _know_ it’s not. I could have done so much better and kept them safe, l-like I’m supposed to. But instead, I… I just hurt both of us.”

Greg hummed in response, thoughtful for a moment. “Well, they might be saying they’re okay so you don’t worry about them. But… if they’re truly hurt and you’re feeling this beat up over it, then maybe you both need to talk,” he started. “What happened, happened. We can dwell on what could have or should have happened, but we can’t change what _did_ happen. The best thing we can do now is learn from what happened and strive to do better.” He took a pause to reach out and place a comforting hand on Steven’s shoulder. “Talking about what happened, trusting in the other person, and then eventually understanding each other is important for relationships to work.”

Steven watched Greg with wide eyes, slowly releasing the hidden tension in his shoulders as he listened to him speak. “I-I guess so…” Steven muttered.

What his dad said made sense. But it didn’t make stomaching the truth any easier. He stared down, choosing to fixate on his glowing hands instead of making eye contact, flexing them in his lap. “It just… it feels so bad…” he whispered.

“Talk to them. Be honest with each other,” said his dad’s warm, understanding voice. “If you both care about each other, then you can work this out together.”

Steven forced himself to nod and let out a shaky exhale. He could feel the excess energy from his gem begin to subside, simmering down until he could no longer feel the tingling of his powers coursing through his body. Little by little, he managed to relax.

He still had a lot on his mind. The events of last night were going to be fresh in his brain for a while. Plus, there was the new revelation of the nature of his feelings towards Star. But for now, he was able to relax— just enough as to not explode in another emotional outburst.

“Okay,” he breathed. For now, he would have to accept it as okay.

Greg rustled beside him and silently moved something towards him. Steven looked down.

It was his plate of breakfast again, complete with eggs, bacon, and toast. His stomach rumbled loudly, giving him another reminder of how hungry he was.

“Here,” Greg said as he inched it closer. This time Steven didn’t object. He took the plate and placed it on his lap. The lukewarm bottom of the plate felt soothing against his legs.

“Uh... hey dad,” he hesitated, unsure of how to say his next words. But he tried his best anyway. “I’m… sorry about the van. I was just mad at the time and I might have taken it too far and, uh…”

He _was_ genuinely sorry. If he needed to talk about things that were wrong, then Steven figured that this was as good of a place to start as any. Plus, he figured that he had delayed his apology to his dad long enough.

“Hey buddy, what did I already tell you? It’s already okay,” Greg wrapped a reassuring arm over Steven’s shoulder. “Besides, if every porkchop were perfect…”

Steven gave a light chuckle, the old, familiar phrase making him feel just the slightest bit better. “... We wouldn’t have hot dogs,” he finished and leaned into his dad’s embrace.

\-----

When Steven tried to summon Star later that day, something strange happened. Something he had never felt before.

Steven was met with some sort of invisible force the minute he tried to reach for his gem. His entire arm locked up and the resistance felt akin to two magnets pushing against each other.

Not only did it prevent him from getting any closer, the force was even trying to pull him _back_ and away from his gem. The harder Steven struggled, the stronger the resistance became, to the point where his hand began to tremble at the strain.

“C’mon...” Steven grunted after a few minutes of struggling.

It was like his body was fighting itself, and he didn’t understand why. Were his powers acting up in some way? Or did it have something to do with—

“Star,” Steven gasped. He wasn’t sure if Star could hear him or was even conscious when they were fused, or _how_ it even worked. But he figured it didn’t hurt to take a shot in the dark and just try it. “I know you’re upset, but we need to talk.”

He wasn’t sure if speaking out loud had actually done something, but this time when he reached for his gem, he was met with much less resistance. He inched closer until his fingers were finally able to grasp the edges of his gem.

Steven wasted no time in pulling it out once he had a secure enough hold.

He forced himself to shake off the pain blooming in his lower body. A bright light flashed, illuminating the dark room, and before him sat Star with his knees brought up to his chest, his eyes averted away from Steven. Their only point of contact being Star’s shin brushing against one of Steven’s crossed legs.

“Hey…” Steven said gently, trying to get his attention. “Do you, uh, wanna talk about what happened?” he asked.

No response came. Steven scratched his head.

“Uh, you know,” he tried again, “about last n—”

Star cut him off, shaking his head. “I hurt you. And I shouldn’t have,” he grumbled.

“Oh, Star, it’s—”

“Don’t,” he warned as he sat up straighter. His diamond shaped pupils pierced deep into Steven. “It’s _not_ okay. I’m supposed to fix things. I’m supposed to protect you, but all I ever end up doing is hurt you!” Star argued. His temper was quickly ramping up, and his voice grew louder and more frustrated as he spoke. “And I don’t understand why you keep insisting on bringing me out here and doing all of this if all it’s doing is putting you in pain. If I can’t help you, then **what good am I for?!** ” 

There was the sound of glass snapping— most likely from the balcony door earning another crack or two— as well as the creaking and groaning of the walls and floors shuddering under the force of Star’s voice. But Steven barely flinched. He was unfazed. Unafraid of Star’s strength. He had seen it before. Backing away from him now didn’t feel right, especially when Star needed him.

Instead, a small chuckle slipped through Steven’s lips, which grew into a soft, quiet laugh. Star’s angry expression faltered into one of confusion as he stopped to watch him.

“Why are you laughing?” Star asked, perplexed. “Is this… funny?”

“No, Star, it’s just...” Steven finally said after coming down from his bout of laughter. “Wow, we’re really similar, aren’t we?”

Star’s confused expression only deepened.

For the longest time, Steven had been stuck trying to seek out his ‘destiny’. To fit himself into a specific mould and devote himself to a purpose and a cause. To be a part of something that needed him. To fulfill his desire of being needed.

It seemed like Star may have adopted a trait or two from him; they were incredibly similar in that aspect. It should have been obvious from the start; of _course_ they were similar.

“Star,” Steven started, “do you like it when we’re together?”

Star frowned, the question having caught him off guard. “What?”

“I mean, when you’re out of your gem. Do you like being here? With me?”

Star’s response was slow, but eventually he nodded. “... I do,” he answered, earnestly. “Of course I do.”

Steven nodded. A rush of relief coursed through him. He’d had a feeling Star did, but there was still that nagging feeling that Star might just be around because Steven, and _only_ Steven, wanted him to. It was reassuring to know for certain that Star enjoyed all the time they spent together after all. 

“Yeah. I like it too,” Steven admitted. “That’s _why_ I’m insisting on this, Star. I don’t bring you out just to… to ‘serve’ me or protect me. That’s not your purpose for existing,” he assured. “I like having you here for _you_. And you specifically.”

Star blinked. He could see the anger simmering down behind his eyes, giving way to surprise instead. “But... why?” he asked. “I’m no better than anyone else. I still hurt you…”

A bead of sweat pooled at Steven’s forehead. He wasn’t sure if this was the right— or appropriate— thing to say. But then his dad’s words from earlier rang in his head.

_Talk to them. Be honest with each other..._

Steven inhaled, swallowing his apprehension. “Uh, is it bad to say that I... liked it?” he grinned sheepishly.

For just a moment, there was nothing but hollow, empty stillness that hung suspended in the air around them.

Then Star’s eyes widened, almost comically wide. “... _What?_ ”

The chuckle that came out of Steven was tentative and nervous. “I-Isn’t that kind of messed up? I mean, I’ve been in pain before. Lately more than ever. So because of that, I guess it’s, uh... kind of normal now?” he confessed. “Even when you’re here and we’re touching, the pain doesn’t _entirely_ go away. I guess somehow my brain made the connection that if I’m in pain, then… I must also be… e-enjoying it.” he finished with a stutter, blood rushing to his ears.

Star’s only response was a wide-eyed, opened-mouthed expression.

Steven averted his gaze and cleared his throat in embarrassment. “Err, but maybe we should’ve set up boundaries first. We both kinda rushed into it,” he admitted. “But I was thinking… I would like to try it again sometime.”

“‘Try it again’?” Star echoed. “As in having se—”

“ _Yes_ ,” Steven cut him off. He already felt so embarrassed. He didn’t know if he could handle even more embarrassment. “O-Only if you’re okay with it.”

Star hesitated. “I don’t know… Do you really trust me? After what I did? Knowing... what I’m capable of?” he said, dejected, hanging his head low.

“I do,” Steven said without missing a beat.

He watched Star carefully for a reaction. Several seconds went by, and then a minute. When it became obvious Star wasn’t going to say anything more, Steven decided to pipe up. “I have an idea,” he said. “I want to try something different the next time we’re together. Is that okay?”

Star finally raised his head at Steven’s question. “... Like what?” he asked tentatively.

“It’ll be a surprise! But don’t worry, I think it’s something we’ll both enjoy. What do you say?”

Star only stared back at him in apprehension and mumbled a quiet “okay”. Steven flashed him a reassuring smile.

He could understand Star’s hesitancy. He was afraid he might mess up and hurt him again. He felt like he couldn’t trust himself because of everything that had gone wrong.

But what Star wasn’t looking at was everything that had gone _right_ and everything that was good about their relationship. Steven wanted to give him some sort of reminder of that, and help him get in a position where he could learn to trust himself again.

Steven would try his best. He’d make sure of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alt chapter title: "steven discovers he's a glutton for punishment"
> 
> a rather dialogue heavy chapter, but very much needed for our boys!
> 
> this was initially one half of a bigger chapter, but i ended up splitting it in half because the way it concluded worked out well. even though that means this chapter is shorter, the wait for the next chapter won't be as long because the other half is already near completion... 👀  
> also, a big thank you to CaramelRaven for beta-ing this fic! they do a wonderful job! 💕
> 
> if you want more stevencest or updates/previews on this fic, im over at @stevencests on twt. thank you all for the overwhelming support. <3


	6. synchrony.

After their much needed chat, Steven and Star had both agreed to take a break from their usual routine (much to Steven’s reluctance) to allow his body a chance to heal.

The wait while he recovered made Steven restless. Without Star, he had nothing to look forward to. Each evening was spent feeling empty and cold and _off_ , as if he were missing something critical.

Even as several days passed, Steven’s pain hadn’t entirely disappeared. The uncomfortable throb each time he sat or walked still lingered. But at the very least, he felt good enough to— _finally_ , in his opinion— carry out the surprise he had planned.

Usually he liked his surprises to be extravagant or over the top. But today he wanted to do something different.

He wanted something simple, yet nice for Star. Something to help build up his trust again. Something to ease them back into what normality they’d once had.

He took the Dondai out for a ride sometime that evening, taking the highway that led out of Beach City, and plotted his course towards Brooding Hill. Though the ride was short, it didn’t stop him from feeling just ever so slightly anxious the entire way there.

_Why_ he felt anxious, he didn’t know. Despite how often he adjusted his grip on the steering wheel, his palms felt just a little too sweaty. Or how often he swallowed and remoistened his mouth, his throat still felt just a little too dry.

But before long, he had reached his destination. Steven parked the car just off to the side of the road upon arrival and made the trek up the grassy slope.

It had been a while since he’d visited this place— several months at the least. As he reached the peak, Steven remembered just exactly _why_ he’d picked this place in particular instead of just staying at home.

The view from the top of the hill was stunning.

From there, he could see the Temple and all of Beach City masked in the glow of the setting sun. Even the entirety of the ocean seemed as if it had turned orange, bathed entirely in the warm light. A pleasant breeze caressed his hair and his face as he spared a moment to simply take in the scenery around him.

Steven closed his eyes, deeply inhaling the fresh air through his nose. Then, slowly, he let the air out through his nose again, with a long exhale. “... Okay. I’m ready,” he whispered to himself.

He carefully lowered himself to the grass and sat on his knees, being careful with his lower body as he sat. The sun glinted off the facets of his gem as he lifted the bottom of his shirt and exposed it to the air.

Unlike the last time he’d tried to pull out his gem, he was faced with no resistance when his fingers gripped along its edges.

Steven inhaled once more, then pulled out his gem in a single, practiced motion.

He welcomed the pain that washed over him. But in the next second it was gone, dissipated by the touch of familiar hands against his own. Across from him sat Star, who mirrored his own seated position.

He stared out across the horizon in silent wonder, looking just as awed as Steven had most likely been just a moment ago. He could have sworn he saw the orange ocean reflected in Star’s wide eyes.

Then Star turned his attention back to him, staring down apprehensively at their connected hands.

They weren’t interlaced like they usually were. Similar to the last night they’d spent together, only the barest amount of contact connected him and Star; their fingertips were just barely brushing. It was so feather-light that Steven thought if he moved too fast or too sudden, Star would flutter out of his grasp and disappear with the wind, leaving him behind.

Steven didn’t want that. He clasped their hands together, firmly and securely.

Star made no indication that he had even felt Steven. But at the very least, he made no move to pull away either.

Steven took it as a good sign.

He cleared his throat. The light nervousness he’d felt during his drive pinged in the back of his mind once again. “Uh, so,” Steven started, “today I was thinking that—”

“Steven,” Star interrupted quietly.

“Hm?”

He shook his head. “We shouldn’t do this.”

Steven had a feeling Star would try to discourage them being together again. It wouldn’t have been the first time, and he had a feeling it wouldn’t be the last either.

“Why not?” Steven questioned. “You said it yourself that you enjoy this just as much as me.”

“I _know_ , okay?” Star said, sounding tense. “It’s because I’m doing more harm than good by being here. You haven’t even completely healed,” he said, gazing up and down his body.

Steven could tell Star was trying to maintain his poker face. But Steven could see past it. He could see the smallest pull of his lips downwards. The gentle crease between his eyebrows. The concern and fear etched into his worried eyes.

Star had always been concerned about his health. But now, after everything they had been through, his words held a different sort of weight. Steven now knew that Star wasn’t _just_ worried about his well-being. He was also worried about being somebody who could jeopardize that well-being.

Of course there were risks. Steven knew that. But even then, they had been doing so _well_ before. They were _both_ happy and benefiting by being together. They didn’t have to stop everything over one slip-up. One mistake. What they needed more than anything was understanding and trust in each other, so they could do better and _be_ better together.

That was the whole reason behind Steven’s plan today.

“Star, for this to work, we have to trust each other. You… have to trust yourself. I know you feel like it’s your duty to protect me, but you don’t have to _just_ do that. And I don’t want you around j-just to touch you either,” Steven stumbled over his words for a moment, blush rising to his face. Yet he made a conscious effort to maintain eye contact with Star.

He wanted his words to resonate with him. He wanted him to understand.

Steven cleared his throat to continue. “In the time we’ve spent together, I’ve really enjoyed being with you. And… to be honest, your company is the only thing I really look forward to these days. Not dad’s, not the gems’. Not even Connie’s company. But yours. I want you here for _you_ , Star. And I want you to understand what that means to me.”

Star’s eyes followed Steven’s movements as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. Slow, soft music began to play from the speakers. Steven set it down on the grass next to them, then rose from his seated position.

“Steven?” Star asked quietly. 

Steven made sure to keep holding on to Star’s hand as he stood, staring down at him with a soft, understanding look. “I guess what I’m trying to say is… come dance with me,” he said with a smile.

Star raised his eyebrows in surprise. “You… brought us here to _dance?_ ” he echoed. 

He nodded. “Yeah. I-I know it’s hard to trust yourself, especially after…” Steven trailed off, leaving an empty space at the end of his sentence. He didn’t bother to fill in the blank. They both knew what he meant. “... But that’s why I want to try this. Being together isn’t something we should be scared of.”

Star hesitated, his mouth giving way to a frown. “I don’t know…”

Steven flashed him a warm smile. “We won’t know if we don’t at least try, right?” he reassured. “Whatever happens, Star, I trust you.”

Even at the end of his speech, Star still didn’t seem entirely convinced. The way he stared up at Steven made him look conflicted. And… tired. Almost like he wanted to believe Steven, but didn’t know if he could believe himself.

Steven decided to try one last thing.

“... If it ends up not working out, then… okay. We’ll stop all of this,” he said. “And you won’t have to worry about me getting hurt anymore.”

Star looked surprised at that. “What? Are you sure?”

He nodded.

Star stared back out over the ocean in contemplation. Steven wasn’t sure if he was going to take his offer to dance at all. And if he didn’t, then... that would be okay. Perhaps they would just have to try something else.

But then without another word Star turned his attention back to him and rose from his seated position, using Steven’s hand as leverage.

Steven searched Star’s eyes for an answer, expecting a shake of his head. A ‘no’. But what he found instead was a hesitant, but willing gaze. A silent ‘yes’.

His free hand found its way to Star’s side where it laid on his hip, while Star’s hand came to rest on his shoulder. Their already connected hands clasped tighter and intertwined with each other.

“How are you feeling? Are you going to be able to dance okay?” Star asked, glancing down at Steven’s lower body.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine,” he smiled. “Besides, you’re here, right?”

Whatever comfort Steven had tried to bring him didn’t seem to work. Star’s mouth pursed into a thin line and his worried expression returned. “Right…” he muttered as his head hung to the side.

Steven gave their hands a firm, but comforting squeeze. “We’ll get through this together,” he spoke tenderly.

Star’s only response was a tentative nod.

The way they started was slow, and quite frankly, clumsy. The first few minutes were spent trying to get a feel for the motions and find each other’s groove. But gradually, they managed to fall into a rhythm. They matched each other with each sideward slide and each step forward or backwards. Together they moved in a slow, circular spin along the cliffside, matching their steps in-time with the music.

The whole time, however, Steven could sense that something was off about Star. More than one thing, he realized.

Although Star’s movements weren’t completely stiff, they weren’t necessarily relaxed either. The way he held Steven was distant and rigid, as if he were afraid of touching him. His brows were deeply furrowed, and he was more focused on looking down at their feet rather than feeling the natural flow of their steps.

He was tense. Nervous. As if he were anticipating something. Something that could go wrong.

Steven gave Star’s hip a gentle squeeze to grab his attention. Star’s head jolted up in response and his movements faltered.

Steven laughed softly. “You’re not going to hurt me. It’s okay,” he smiled reassuringly. “We’re just dancing.”

Star huffed out a sigh. “ _I know_. It’s just,” he paused. The hand on Steven’s shoulder dropped and their movements— their dance— stopped altogether. “Steven, I _want_ this to work. I like being here with you. I don’t want everything we have to end,” he admitted. “And I know it’s just dancing, but if something were to happen to you because of another one of my mistakes, then… maybe ending everything would be for the best. I don’t know. I… I just don’t know.”

It was still surprising to hear Star voice his own thoughts— with such emotion and honesty too. Steven’s breath hitched at the words as several different feelings flared inside him at once: surprise, sympathy, and some other fluttering feeling that made his heart beat faster. But the main feeling he felt was relief. Relief that Star wanted to keep what they had just as much as Steven did.

He had once been so scared to think that Star didn’t actually want to be with him. And that perhaps, Star was only allowing himself to remain with Steven out of obligation.

Now, it almost felt like they had reversed. Now Star was scared. And that was the last thing Steven wanted.

“Do you want to stop dancing?” Steven asked. “If this is too much, then we can try something else.”

Star shook his head with another sigh. “... No. I want to keep trying,” he answered after a long, heavy pause. The willing look had returned to his eyes, but this time it was paired with something else. Determination.

Steven pursed his lips and nodded. “Just let me know if you do.”

They resumed their slow, circular movements of back and forth. Of left and right. At times, Steven thought he could feel himself growing sick from the combination of the speed of their spins, plus his usual nausea when he moved too fast while he didn’t have his gem. However, the secure support of Star’s hand on his shoulder was quick to ease it away.

As the minutes carried on and nothing terrible or life-threatening seemed to happen, Star seemed to slowly but surely relax. The longer they danced, the more he seemed to loosen and flow with their movements.

Soon they grew more comfortable not only with their dance, but with each other as well. The arms-length gap that once distance them began to close, and their bodies pulled together like a magnet. Their chests and noses dared to touch, just inches away from each other. Their eyes locked onto each other, never breaking away. 

Together they moved with purpose, their pace picking up as they glided along the cliffside. It was as if their movements became second nature. They were in near perfect sync. 

Steven was right. He didn’t bother to hide the wide, beaming grin that erupted from him. Not only was everything going well, but he had just watched Star become more trusting in himself in real time.

Whatever the hardship was, they would get through it together. And they would be just fine.

… That’s what he thought, until he leaned _too_ far back during a spin, causing both him and Star to yell in surprise and lose balance. Air rapidly rushed past him as he fell backwards and Steven shut his eyes as he braced for impact.

But Star was quick to react. Arms quickly wrapped themselves around Steven’s waist, securing him in place. It was only when Steven stopped moving did he sneak a peek through his eyelids.

He was greeted by wide, surprised, and bright pink eyes staring deep into him.

Steven’s brain halted. They were close. _Very_ close. If Steven breathed or took just the slightest move forward, he’d be close enough to accidentally bump their heads. Or their noses together. Or maybe even…

He reflexively looked down at Star’s mouth. His lips were parted ever so slightly; the ghost of Star’s breath tickled his skin.

Steven didn’t know if it was Star who was warm, or himself, or the sun beaming down on them, or all three. But everything, all at once, began to feel _too_ warm. A bead of sweat collected at his forehead and he gulped despite his throat feeling so dry. And all of a sudden he felt exactly like he did during his drive, back in the Dondai.

“Um,” he blurted. The word caught in Steven’s throat. He felt as if he should say _anything_ to put something between them. Something more solid, more tangible than the mere millimeters of empty air between them.

But before long the moment ended. Their faces pulled away and he was quickly being pulled back up into an upright position.

Seconds went by as they exchanged an equally surprised look, and not a word passed between them.

And then from Steven’s lips escaped a small, breathy laugh.

He didn’t know why he did. Perhaps it was from embarrassment or perhaps it was from overwhelming joy. Or perhaps it was both. What started off as an awkward chuckle quickly evolved into genuine laughter. And although Star seemed confused at first, it didn’t take long for him to start laughing alongside him as well.

They began to spin once again— this time they no longer followed a formal dance. They held on by their hands and spun each other in a circle as their laughter filled the air.

At some point Star had scooped him up, carrying him with his arms supporting his back and legs. And Steven wrapped his arms around Star’s neck, pressing their foreheads together as Star spun them fast. Then faster, and faster yet until they fell gently back into the grass, laughing all the while.

All he felt was pure, genuine happiness. Was this what it felt like to not only trust yourself, but to have someone who trusted you in turn? He wondered as he gradually came down from his laughing fit.

He stared up at the darkening sky. All the orange had been chased away over the horizon and had been replaced by purples and dark blues. Distant stars began to reveal themselves and shine against the gradient of colours, twinkling and glowing softly.

“You know, you were right,” Steven said after a period of comfortable silence. “I think this is what I needed. I’m sorry I doubted all of this, and you, and… myself.”

It took another moment of prolonged silence that made him realize that something was off. His words lingered in the air, but where there was meant to be a response, there was none. 

“... Steven?” he asked the empty air around him.

More silence.

With a push of his hands he sat up and looked around.

When he realized he was alone, he quickly rose to his feet. Feelings of concern bubbled to the surface. “Steven?” He called again. 

… Steven frowned the moment he tried the name a second time. ‘Steven’ was _his_ name. Didn’t he mean to say ‘Star’?

And then there was the fact that he was _alone_.

With a hint of suspicion, he lifted up his shirt and looked down.

His gem was in the center of his navel and he wasn’t glowing pink.

That’s when all the clues clicked into place.

He and Star must have grown so in-sync with each other while they were dancing that somewhere along the line, they had fused involuntarily and without noticing.

A flush rose to Steven’s cheeks as the realization dawned on him.

“... Oh,” was all he managed to say.

\-----

Steven didn’t know how long he laid on the cliffside simply watching the sky and stars move, taking in the light breeze. He wanted the moment to last for as long as it could. Because for the first time in a while, he felt at peace.

By the time he arrived home the sun had long since set and the sky had gone dark. He crept gingerly up the steps and entered the darkness of his house where luckily, it seemed empty and quiet.

Once securing that he was alone, he wasted no time heading up to his room and summoning Star out of his gem once more. From there they fell back into their habit of touch and affection easily, as if they had never stopped to begin with.

But at the same time things felt different. Whatever inhibitions or fears Star seemed to have dissipated. He smiled more. Laughed more. Touched and received touch more freely than he ever did before. Seeing Star as happy and trusting as he was filled Steven with happiness in turn.

“So…” Steven said after a comfortable moment of quietness. They laid tangled in each other’s arms with Steven resting his head against Star’s warm chest. “How was it?”

“Mm?” Star hummed, his voice slightly muffled from being buried deep in Steven’s hair.

“Dancing. And how are you feeling about… well, everything?”

Star gently untangled their limbs and lifted himself into a seated position. Steven followed suit. He looked thoughtful for a moment, staring straight ahead while one finger tapped on his chin. Then he spoke.

“I feel good. I-I feel _happy_. I mean, it’s going to be a long time before I can forgive myself for hurting you the way I did. And I’m still scared of something happening to you again,” Star admitted. “But... I realize now that that’s okay. If you trust me, then maybe it’s okay for me to trust myself too,” he turned to him with a tender smile. “Thank you.”

Steven flushed, unable to stop from smiling along with him. Unable to stop the fluttering feeling in his chest. “Of course,” he breathed. “I’m glad.”

When did they get so close? Steven didn’t know. He could feel every point of contact they shared acutely. From their overlapping fingers to their bumping knees, to their noses that grazed each other as they drew closer yet. He felt like he was being pulled in. Like metal to a magnet. Like a moth to a flame.

His eyes drifted down to Star’s lips and briefly, he remembered their shared moment on the cliffside. How Star’s face was so impossibly close and how close he was _now_ and how warm Steven felt _both_ times.

And as they drifted closer yet, Steven’s mind fizzled blank. He couldn’t focus on anything else. He didn’t want to focus on anything else but the person in front of him.

He didn’t fight the pull. He welcomed it with closed eyes, allowing himself to submit.

Soft lips grazed the corner of his mouth, almost hesitant at first. But then they willingly, eagerly, pressed deeper into his lips, melding them together, and Steven swore he could melt.

Star was warm, but his mouth felt way hotter. Hotter than he could have possibly imagined. It enveloped him, seeping all the way down to his throat. Steven tilted his head back as a soft gasp escaped him and a tingling sensation shot up his spine.

With all the intimacy they shared over the last several weeks, kissing was somehow something they had never done. Steven was almost mad they hadn’t gotten to this point sooner. Now that he had gotten a taste for it, it was all he wanted.

After what felt like a lifetime (but still not enough), their lips separated and they pulled back, much to Steven’s reluctance. He blinked his eyes open, his chest heaving in gulps of air even though all he wanted— all he _needed_ — was more. More of Star. More of his taste and his lips together with his own.

“Star…” he breathed, his gaze meeting Star’s lidded eyes. Steven felt airy and light and downright _giddy_ , like he could float up to the sky and never come down.

He had never felt better in his life. 

But somewhere through his daze, he realized that that train of thought wasn’t necessarily an exaggeration. Steven really _had_ never felt better in his life.

In fact… he didn’t feel pain at all. Not his injuries from his night with Star, and not even the usual pain he felt when he didn’t have his gem.

Steven’s eyes widened. Was he…?

He gasped as the realization kicked in. “... _Star_ ,” he said again, this time with more urgency.

The tone of Steven’s voice seemed to snap Star to attention. “What? Is something wrong?” he asked, sitting up a little straighter. “Sorry, w-was that too much? I—”

“No, not that. It’s— I think I’m—” he stumbled. He couldn’t contain the words that fumbled out as excitement bubbled in his throat. “Just. Look—”

Steven flung his legs over the bed in a hurry to stand up. But he was quickly dragged back down by Star gripping tightly to his wrist.

“What are you doing?” Star quizzed with wide eyes, sounding alarmed. “Did I do something wrong?”

A pang of guilt hit Steven as he looked backwards at a slightly panicked Star. Through all his excitement, he realized that Star might’ve not clued in to what had happened yet, and Steven forced himself to slow down. “No, no, you’re okay,” he soothed. He placed his hand atop of Star’s, giving the knuckles a gentle rub. “It’s… I’m gonna show you. Trust me for a second, okay?”

With a frown and a bit of hesitancy, Star gave a single nod.

“Okay,” Steven said, looking down at their hands, “now let go.”

He looked up at him with an incredulous expression. But as he scrutinized Steven’s face for any hint that he might be kidding— and inevitably finding none— he let out a long, dragging sigh. Then, with great reluctance from Star, the grip on Steven’s wrist slackened.

Then a second later his hand disappeared entirely.

Steven reflexively winced, anticipating a wave of pain and nausea to crash over him.

But there was no discomfort. No pain.

He looked down at his body in wonder. Curiously, he did a little experimental twirl. Then several more.

There was no loss of balance. No nausea. No waning vision. No splintering headaches. 

Steven felt perfectly fine. In fact, he had never felt better. 

They made eye contact. Confusion flashed over Star’s face for just a brief second. But then as Steven watched as the gears in his head snapped together and he realized what had just happened, his expression shifted into pure and utter shock.

When they had kissed, Star had unknowingly healed him.

“I-I didn’t know, I—” Star gaped, “ I didn’t know I could just—”

“I didn’t either—”

“I didn't think to try it. I would have—”

“It’s okay—”

“I-I could’ve healed you this **entire time**.”

A light tremor rocked the floorboards and Steven stumbled slightly. But he held his ground as he continued to try and reassure Star.

“Star, it’s _okay_. Look,” he motioned down at his body. Before, he couldn’t stand without support from Star, let alone move. Now, his body felt good enough that he could do all of that on his own— and maybe more. “ _I’m_ okay. You did this. You healed me.”

Soon the shuddering came to a slow stop, Star was sat huddled with his hands through his hair, his fingers digging into his scalp. Slowly, he turned to Steven with a forlorn expression, whispering with just the slightest crack in his voice:

“I could have saved you from so much pain…”

Steven realized Star didn’t just mean the time they had sex. (He blushed inwardly at the word.) He also meant when they tested how long he could last without Star’s continuous contact. He meant all the times Steven willingly put himself through pain to bring out Star.

Star probably felt guilty that he didn’t heal him earlier, and that all the pain Steven endured prior to now was all of his fault. But Steven knew that wasn’t true at all.

“We didn’t know. Even if we did think of it, we couldn’t be sure that it would even work in the first place,” Steven reasoned. “But Star, you’re incredible. You _healed_ me. I don’t have to go through all that pain ever again. And that’s what matters,” he finished with a smile. Steven outstretched his arm in front of him, holding out his hand for Star as an offering.

Star glanced between him and his hand, hesitating for a few beats before finally taking it. They clasped together tight, interlacing with each other once more.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to get so upset,” Star murmured.

Steven let out an airy chuckle. “You don’t have to apologize. I understand.”

“Sorry. I just— I...” Star stumbled mid-sentence, but then shook his head. “I’m just… glad you’re healed,” he said, and Steven flashed him a soft smile.

After a brief quiet period, Star raised a question. “So… what now?”

Steven’s brows furrowed. What now indeed? There was the question of: what did this mean for them? And for their relationship? What would change now that they were no longer tethered together by constant touch? Steven didn’t know the answer. Perhaps only time could tell, and they would have to find out together.

But there was also a simpler question: what could they do together that they couldn’t do before? Steven hummed as he thought.

There was one thing he always wanted to try. As far back as when they tested how long he could last without Star’s continuous contact. Though the idea arose while he was in his barely-conscious stupor, it had stuck with him ever since.

“You know, I’ve always wondered what I’d be like if you just, um, stayed here,” he mumbled.

Star tilted his head in question. “Huh?”

Steven cleared his throat. “I mean like, instead of re-fusing when we have to, you could just… stay here the entire night. And we could just. I-I don’t know, I guess fall asleep together without having to worry about me dying or something,” Steven scratched his head sheepishly. “I guess it sounds kind of silly when I say it outloud, but, um, I think it’d be k-kinda nice.”

Star hesitated. “It would. But... we don’t know if it’s safe for you to go that long without your gem,” he doubted. “Are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah, I think so. I don’t think it’ll be like last time,” Steven said. “I feel a lot different. Not ‘bad’ different, but like, ‘amazing’ different. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt this good _with_ my gem.”

“Oh.”

Steven blinked, thrown off by Star’s dejected response. Then he realized his poor choice of words not a moment later. “I mean, physically good!” he corrected. “As in, I feel like I could do five laps around Beach City without breaking a sweat. If we were fused, I could probably do like, twenty,” he said, jogging in place as if to prove his point.

That seemed to brighten Star’s mood a bit. Though he said nothing, he chuckled softly at his antics and the light airy feeling in Steven’s chest returned.

“So! How about it? Do you want to stay for the night?” Steven asked once again.

Star sucked in an inhale, then let it out as he finally gave in. “… Okay, I guess. Only if you’re _positive_ you’re feeling good enough for it.”

“I’m positive,” Steven grinned.

Star shuffled to the side as Steven climbed back under the sheets. He slotted back into Star’s arms easily, like two jigsaw pieces coming together. It felt right. As if that was where he was meant to be and stay.

“Is this okay? What if the gems find us?” Star asked quietly sometime after they had both gotten comfortable. 

Under normal conditions, Steven might’ve been more concerned about someone discovering them. But through his half-conscious stupor, the warmth and safety he felt being pressed against Star’s body, and his overall good mood, he felt less than concerned.

He shrugged lethargically. “They’ve been pretty good at leavin’ me alone lately. We’ll be okay. Promise,” he mumbled, yawning mid-sentence.

“... If you’re sure,” Star replied and gave his shoulders a light squeeze.

Even though Steven no longer needed to depend on Star’s touch to function, he could still feel the warm, thrumming energy radiating off his body. Not only did it blanket him in a feeling of snug security, it seeped right down to his bones, his muscles, even down to the very core of his being.

He felt safe. Secure. Protected. And happy.

And after seeing how far he had come today, Steven had a feeling Star felt the same way.

Sleep found him easily that night. And for the first time in a while, he slept with a clear head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alt chapter title: steven and star act sweet enough to give them both cavities
> 
> i've wanted to get to this point in the story for a very long time, so i'm glad we've finally arrived! you can envision any song that plays as they slow dance, but the ones i like most + feel like work best are:  
> [lonely star - oh wonder](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yiuZNVSSRwE) during the first half of their dance, up to where they take a pause to talk.  
> and:  
> [keep on dancing - oh wonder](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-k7YKgJZjM) during the second half of their dance up to when they fuse!
> 
> of course it's not necessary, but i would highly recommend listening to these songs to fully capture the atmosphere of those scenes!
> 
> i just want to give a heads up that there may be a bit of a longer wait between this chapter and the next, but i'm over at @stevencests on twitter in the meantime. that's where i post updates and more content of these boys!
> 
> thank you to everyone who's been reading and sticking along for the ride. i read each comment y'all post on this fic and i need you to know i love and appreciate each one. thank you again. 💖


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